Lift The Veil.

Parents Get Busy & Learn Why

'Medical Transition Is Not Place For a child.'

Sincerely,
TReVoices & Everyone Else

URL - https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/swweab/extrans_people_who_have_detransitioned_or_in_the/

Justweirdout
·
2 mo. ago
I'm still confused about what I identify as but I've realized it doesn't super matter to me what I call myself as long as I'm happy with myself. I thought I was trans for a good 3 to 4 years, but as I reached 18 and my friends and I started growing further apart I realized I just really wanted to be like my friends and fit in so I convinced myself that I was trans like my best friend at the time is. I'm pretty sure I just associated being gay (despite the fact I'm not gay I'm bi) with femininity, and that combined with the people I surrounded myself with I thought I knew who I was. Sometimes I regret the weird shit I did during that time period, but most of the time I embrace it, I just wouldn't be who I am today without Danielle, and most of the people I know still call me Danny because I couldn't let go of that part of me.


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2 mo. ago
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I was a trans man from about 13-19years old. I socially transitioned and took hormones for the 4-6 year period that I was trans. I originally transitioned due to being a GNC kid (presented very masculinely) because I thought that being gnc/masculine and same-sex attracted meant I was trans (due to adults around me talking to me about gender and the possibility I might be trans, 13 at the time of that).

I detransitioned because I realized that I didn't legitimately want to be male, I wanted to be able to be masculine. I defiently had social dysphoria and still do. It was the physical part I was confused about. I dont regret all of my transition and appreciate some of the masculinizing effects of the testosterone from when I was on it. I also know that my transition helped me to be able to be masculine/be me...beforehand I was always pressured to wear a dress, bra, etc. When I transitioned, I was given the freedom to just be me and not have to conform to "feminity" which caused me (and still does) great distress. Being trans and my consequent detransition helped me become who I am today.

I did legally and medically detransition, but refuse to change how I dress/am. Before my transition I had for a short period of time, identified as butch lesbian. Now I decided that probably is the correct label to describe me.... even masculine woman too. But I only see them as a way to describe how I present/act/see myself...I dont let them define me as a person. A part of me, but not the whole of me.

Overall, I think my transition and detransition was a big period of growth. I still deal with alot of dysphoria, but I'm managing it my own way (like lessening it by dressing in men's clothing vs women's). Which does help. I see myself as a woman (due to my sex) but as a masculine woman. I think there outta be more representation of just plain masculine woman, something I didn't have when I was young.


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Freshlyhonkedgoose
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2 mo. ago
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I began to socially transition at 14 years old. It was 2006, and I had spend the previous 3 years swearing I was a boy, and doing my damnedest to act/talk/look like a boy. I didn't know what "trans" was, or that it existed. I just knew I wanted to not be a girl, I wanted to be a boy because it brought me so much comfort and joy to be seen as male.

I met a transman in 2007 named E. He was ten years older than me and had medically transitioned. He took me under his wing and I began to secretly look towards medical transition. I mostly hated my breasts. I wanted them gone, I wanted a flat chest that didn't interfere with my clothes and my happiness.

Fast forward to 2017, I am still socially out as male but haven't started hormones because of money, homelessness, and the back of my mind feeling that it wouldn't bring me happiness. I still longed for a complete mastectomy, but had no means of achieving it without fully sinking financially/losing my job to recover. No support system.

I realized through therapy in 2018-2020 that my transition goals had all started at twelve years old because kids picked on me for being an ugly girl, so I thought maybe they wouldn't pick on me as a boy. People still picked on me. I wasn't happy.

I'm 30 now and don't really even think about gender on a daily basis, I just exist and look for happiness where I can find it.

Edit several hours later to answer the question of "Where were Goose's parents?": By the time I was 14 my parents were in the process of getting a divorce and wondering when I'd grow up, get a job, and move out. They had been done and over with parenting by that point. I latched onto that person and fell hook, line, and sinker for their grooming because it was a positive adult influence in my life when at that time I had none. He was an adult who spoke to me like I mattered and that was all it took for me to hang on every word.

Thank you for all the awards. And for the person who sent me a crisis line, thanks for that too, but I assure you after two spells of inpatient between end of '21, beginning of '22, I'm doing better than I ever have. I'm still in therapy twice a week + group therapy and I'm working on getting myself out of the shitpit my life became.


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superultralost
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2 mo. ago
I hope you are doing better now.


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Mudwayaushka
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2 mo. ago
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This is so interesting to read for very personal reasons.

I never fully considered myself trans but I am probably a ‘near miss’. Growing up I felt a lot of discomfort being male - I saw men as stupid, ugly, flawed, insert harmful stereotype here, and disliked myself for being one of them. I often found myself wishing I was gay too (which I’m not really either) which I believed would have helped me move away from those stereotypes and my personal discomfort, albeit less completely/drastically.

Like you, I went through therapy and self reflection and I came to the conclusion that I was reacting to a lot of the harmful stereotypes about men that are propagated in society, and were also propagated in my family (my sister who is close in age to me being the obvious ‘favourite’ in terms of treatment, among other things).

Through my process of personal growth, I tried to stop looking at things through a gender lens - although I am still quite sensitive to gender issues - and tried to work on accepting myself as I am without bearing the weight of the victimhood of others or the blame of society. I still don’t feel strongly masculin or heterosexual, but I no longer feel aversion to myself which is the main thing (and am happy putting those things down to describe myself on forms if I have to).

Interestingly my sister (not birth sister but MtF) came out as trans around the same time as I was going through these issues. I tried to speak to her about it but she was not open to it (maybe she saw it as a challenge, particularly as our father was not happy about the whole situation and she may understandably have been in a defensive frame of mind).

I have always wondered if an element of her desire to transition came from the same place as mine. It’s too late to speak about it though - she transitioned many years ago now and it wouldn’t be right to re-open the topic, so I guess I will continue to wonder until the grave.

I have never shared these feelings outside of therapy, which was some time ago now - thank you for the chance to look again at a chapter from my past in a new light.

As others have said, I hope you are doing better too.


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somethinganonamous
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2 mo. ago
I’m glad you found growth through all of this. People like you, and you are important the way you are.


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redditslim
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2 mo. ago
Thanks so much for posting this. Honestly, my heart goes out to you.


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SergeantSixx
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2 mo. ago
I hope you have found/will continue to find happiness in who you are. You are beautiful no matter what gender.


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Naus1987
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2 mo. ago
Good therapy is incredibly underrated.

Hope you’re doing better as well, and thanks for sharing your story!


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coloradyo
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2 mo. ago
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TW: sexual abuse

Not personally trans, but in working as a counselor, one or two trans people I’ve worked with that had felt less certain of themselves after or while transitioning (as well as a muchhh larger handful of people who were taking baby steps to transition in the first place) had starting experiences that were kinda half and half, so like around 50% generally just not feeling like they fit their gender or assigned sex at birth, while the other 50% somewhat presented as trying to run away from or reject their own bodies and gender identity as a result of trauma - so not that they didn’t feel like they fit their gender anymore, but feeling like they wanted to get far, far away from what that gender meant to them.

In these latter cases, these were, sadly, mostly biologically female people that resented their gendered bodies so much as being a factor that allowed or led to them being sexually assaulted or raped (including cases of childhood abuse), ie hating themselves for having breasts, hating themselves for not being able to NOT be seen as female or be perceived in a non-societally-sexualized lens or perspective by outsiders (getting catcalled or harassed or oggled by people on the street, etc).

Unfortunately, within these specific cases and examples, these people targeting their experiences of gendered violence and avoiding their (initial/previous) gender as a result of this did not fix the underlying trauma, it didn’t reduce their fear or self-hatred or need for self-forgiveness after being victimized (but also, like, living in a society that treats women like sexualized commodities that people are entitled to also does not help the situation).

It’s really hard. Let’s say that your house gets burglarized in a really traumatizing way. A lot of people are going to want to move to a new house, but in this case, you can’t. You’re stuck in this house where you’ve had such painful experiences, and the house itself being associated with that scares you. The house didn’t do anything wrong, and there’s nothing bad about the house itself - it’s actually a really great house.

It’s a complicated process of figuring out how to make our house a home again and to live within ourselves. Focusing on making improvements is almost counter-intuitive to the fear response that’s happening in these cases, but hey, maybe we go room to room and start working on loving our house again, making it something less scary and something we don’t need to run away from. Maybe we buy a couple of happy little plants, maybe we repaint the walls, add some art that makes us happy when we look at it...

At the same time, though, it’s hard, because we don’t want other people to see this too much and to think of breaking in again because of our house being so nice (and honestly maybe we just don’t want anyone to ever look at or acknowledge our house in the first place, and we wish that more people would mind their own business), BUT also, our house being a nice house isn’t what led to it getting broken into in the first place. It wasn’t our house’s fault - it was the fault of the criminal who decided to be a piece of shit and destroy someone’s ability to feel safe. No house ever deserves to be broken into or invaded, regardless of how lovely it is, even if the doors and windows are unlocked or are left wide open. Maybe we forgive our house for the bad moments that have happened within its walls, and we learn to see it as guiltless, faultless, innocent. It is a simple, neutral container for everything that exists within it, and no negative judgment needs to come with that.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned as a counselor is how seriously hard it is for people to be gentle with themselves. It’s hard for me too.

Obviously, the above scenario is not the case for all trans people, and even if it was, trauma doesn’t invalidate any of our needs or wants to do things, nor does it make our experiences or reasonings for pursuing transitions as any less valid or less genuine than anyone else’s. My thoughts here are just clips of moments from witnessing people’s lives and seeing them benefit from looking inwards at their gender and their thoughts related to their gender identity, wanting to help them feel safer within their bodies, regardless of how that outwardly presents.

For the record, I don’t want any of this to come across as “if trans people process their past trauma, they’ll learn to accept their gender and stop trying to be someone else,” because that’s not the message here - it’s moreso about flexibility, building resilience, building self-forgiveness and acceptance/allowance, understanding our personal needs while granting ourselves permissions to exist beyond labels or judgments or boxes or categories if/as necessary, while also assessing what we want all of these categories to mean to us in the first place. Sorry for writing a book!


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Chocobean
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2 mo. ago
I love your house analogy. I'm not trans but I think it's a beautiful analogy that might potentially be helpful for some who have suffered trauma.


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indian_dirtbag
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2 mo. ago
This was really beautifully written, thank you so much for sharing. The house analogy really resonated with me and I’ll definitely be stealing it whole-cloth for personal use.

I know in part I moved houses because I was afraid that down the line it would come to resemble my father’s house too much

But it’s also a great way to make it so that those who only knew that address can’t find you anymore. New name, new appearance, you can essentially put yourself into witness protection.

I don’t hate my old house, I tried it’s best, but I’m much happier here. Even if things can be scary in a new way in this neighbourhood


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Mortalytas
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2 mo. ago
You just perfectly explained a lot of feelings I had as a child that was SA'd. I used to pray that I would wake up as a boy because in my child mind, boys didn't have that happen to them, only girls. Then my little half-brother was born and I saw how much more my mom loved him than me and thought if I was a boy maybe she'd love me more... I also hated being told I would grow up and have babies, and as a teen my body matured pretty early and I got a lot of unwanted male attention. I did still have serious body dysmorphia about that until last year, when I got a hysterectomy to get rid of endometriosis. Not having to worry about my body betraying me in the deepest sense by just doing what it biologically wants to do is a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm comfortable in my own skin for the most part.


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Takilove
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2 mo. ago
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Thank you for this. I’m a 65 year old married woman and your comment really made me think about some things I struggle with. Nothing to do with gender, but how childhood events and traumas deeply affects my personality. My inner self is so different than what I present to the world. I’m not unhappy with my life, but a little bit sad. That is about to change! Thank you so, so much!


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SpicyPoffin
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2 mo. ago
As a sexual assault survivor, I really appreciated reading this analogy. Thank you.


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Kj539
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2 mo. ago
That’s a good analogy, thank you for sharing.


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pomdecouer
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2 mo. ago
This is so beautiful. Thanks for your work. Counselors are so important.


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Cornedbeefandwhiskey
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2 mo. ago
It’s really hard. Let’s say that your house gets burglarized in a really traumatizing way. A lot of people are going to want to move to a new house, but in this case, you can’t. You’re stuck in this house where you’ve had such painful experiences, and the house itself being associated with that scares you. The house didn’t do anything wrong, and there’s nothing bad about the house itself - it’s actually a really great house.

I've had this exact experience, I almost died. It's a very good analogy.


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deane_ec4
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2 mo. ago
Therapist here, I loved reading this. Thank you for your work and analogy here.


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[deleted]
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2 mo. ago
I hate the shit out of this being unable to escape it is really a horrible experience. I used to ‘joke’ that I couldn’t hide my boobs and ass at the same time no posture worked to hide both and sometimes it would be hard for me to like get up and get water cause I didn’t want to be looked at.


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Fatal_S
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2 mo. ago
This hits a big personal consideration point for me. I've wanted to "be male" for as long as I can recall, and I dream/think of myself as either male or genderless. But I'm also a survivor of childhood SA, which I don't remember really, so how can I know that's not what makes me not think of myself as female? Currently I can't.

Thankfully I don't need to make any big permanent decisions about my body atm, so it doesn't really make a difference. But it does still make me wonder. Did the SA make me this way, or was I always this way? Will I ever know?

I do know I'm happier not being gendered or pushed into any specific gender roles, and if I had a button to "switch to a male body" I'd push it. But I don't hate my body or anything, it's a pretty decent body as it is, so I don't know that I need to change it either. So currently I consider myself trans-non-binary, but I still tell people I'm a work in progress and continue to figure myself out.


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Shipwrecking_siren
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2 mo. ago
I worked in a suicide crisis centre for a few years, and the number of people that came who had experienced childhood abuse and were transitioning/had transitioned made me curious about whether it was correlation or causation. I knew it wasn’t that simple or black and white but also felt there must be link there for some too, I think your post sums up my thinking way better than my own brain ever could.


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speaker4the-dead
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2 mo. ago
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edited 2 mo. ago
Counselor as well!

I second everything you said here. You are definitely confirming alot of my beliefs! It doesn’t mean we should push these onto a population when we work with them, but be mindful of these potential truths while accepting them through their journey to figuring things out - no matter what they decide.


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sovietsrule
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2 mo. ago
Dang that's a really good analogy. Thanks for the background information, really interesting to read


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StarTrippy
Cake day
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2 mo. ago
In these latter cases, these were, sadly, mostly biologically female people that resented their gendered bodies so much as being a factor that allowed or led to them being sexually assaulted or raped (including cases of childhood abuse), ie hating themselves for having breasts, hating themselves for not being able to NOT be seen as female or be perceived in a non-societally-sexualized lens or perspective by outsiders (getting catcalled or harassed or oggled by people on the street, etc).

This hits close to home. I'm nonbinary, and once I started toying with the idea of "hey, maybe I'm not actually a woman", everything came back to me like a brick through my window I couldn't ignore. The way I was treated, the way I was looked at, the trauma. I hated all of it, and I knew it all happened because I was a girl. It solidified the idea that past me and present me are two totally different people.

Another big thing that made me realize my gender doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things was medical woes. It was almost like another reason to reject my body.

That being said, I do feel a lot happier being nonbinary. I'm still hiding in the closet when it comes to professional things. But I feel a lot better, especially since I have queer friends who accept me without question.

Also, thank you for doing what you do! You seem like a very understanding person.


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JoshthePoser
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2 mo. ago
Someone I love very much needs to hear this. Thank you.


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Thisistradition
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2 mo. ago
This sums up so perfectly something I have been struggling to describe to others for years, my fears in relation to "the house." Thanks for sharing this.


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magicsqueezle
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2 mo. ago
Very well explained. I hope this gets read by more that need to see this. You’re a wonderful soul.


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yndigocat
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2 mo. ago
This is really beautiful it brought me to tears reading, thank you


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theDart
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2 mo. ago
If you wrote a book, I would read it. Thank you for sharing :)


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Geoffreys_Pants
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2 mo. ago
I feel you've really hit the nail on the head. I was proudly NB/Androgynous for last 5/6 years. Was really into the community, went to local prides, all my mates were part of it and me and everyone else were just happily ignoring the obvious fact that I was my most male at my most depressed. That I had bad body dysmophia and dysphoria. I kept my sexaul abuse close to the chest admittedly. But like I went so far into running away that I had DID. I've only really this last few months started to consider that Im probably cis. It's so hard for me, cus it was so ingrainded in me. I have so much to hate about femininity and my past, that being none of it seemed the answer. But like I was so repressed my other personality was super girly. I'm rambling... Your post just hit home.


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[deleted]
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2 mo. ago
This is a beautiful comment; thank you. Maybe you should write a book.


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unicorn_gangbang
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2 mo. ago
I’m a SA survivor and this was so eloquently said. I’ve completely changed my perspective of gender fluidity. I’ve never thought about it through this lense. Thank you for taking the time to write this out.


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BxGyrl416
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2 mo. ago
This has occurred to me to, girls/women who’ve been abused, who feel ashamed of their bodies, and want to escape sexism/misogyny. There’s also that there’s a sharp increase in lesbians and bisexual women who’ve began to identify as non-binary or as trans men. I know and have met several people like this and have even read an article about this phenomenon a year or so ago.


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chilloutm8
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2 mo. ago
Amazing read thank you. I’m doing my masters at the moment and would love to work with you


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smallish_cheese
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2 mo. ago
I would read your book.


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thedancinggod
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2 mo. ago
Thank you


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SurpriseRedemption
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2 mo. ago
Thank you for writing this.


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letsguac2day
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2 mo. ago
I found this to be incredibly powerful; thank you for sharing.


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tuesdayadms
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2 mo. ago
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I lived as a trans man (female to male) for about 5 years. I never started hormones, but i had fully socially transitioned so the shift back was very significant and very awkward.

I have a couple mental health diagnoses that i think if they'd been addressed sooner i wouldnt have felt like i had a hole in my soul i was desperate to fill. It was my error to force a bandaid solution over the problem, but the real issue was that the adults around me ignored my mental health up to that point, not that they let me transition socially, even medically had I chosen to do so. I feel strongly that had I been met with more resistance I would have dug my heels in and may have never realized that I wasn't trans. (Edit: to clarify, i mean that had there been more pushback, i would have not realized the truth and would have stayed trans, it was validation that made me eventually realize i was wrong and detransition, not resistance)

I don't regret that period of my life, I learned a lot about myself and who I'm not. I had just entered college at the time, and I'm really greatful i had the oppourtinity to figure this out in an environment where most people accepted me either way. There was a lot of pressure not to detransition, but it was almost exclusively from non-trans people trying to be accepting and dissuade what they thought were my inner demons.

Its important to me that when I share this part of my personal history that it isnt weaponized against actual trans people. They welcomed me into their community, and were kind to me when I realized it was not the right place for me. I legitimately owe my life to the kindness and good will of the trans community.

Edit: spelling

Edit again: a few points that I want to clarify:

1: the mental health crisis I refer to happened when I was a child

2: support for being trans was the thing that helped me be grow comfortable to realize I was not, not the pushback. When i was yelled slurs at and ridiculed, that did not make me examine my current situation and try to understand myself better

3: this is all exclusive my personal experiance. I am happy to answer any questions, but I am not trans, and to understand trans people and the trans community you should talk them, not me.


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GrouchyMike
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2 mo. ago
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edited 2 mo. ago
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I’ve witnessed something like this as someone who has worked in admin for secondary mental health.

It was interesting/upsetting to read the full back story of a patient who had been through a lot of abuse and trauma growing up.

Their main reason for transitioning was to ‘abandon’ / ‘leave behind’ that identity, that ‘damaged person’ and forge a new identity, believing it was the only option.

I obviously don’t know if they will keep to their decision or not, but I have also seen another person switch every time coming in to therapy, changing due to fear of judgement by peers, but also again mentioning wanting to leave behind that identity they were born with due to lived traumas growing up. They eventually transitioned back after completing therapy.

It was interesting to get the opportunity to read and see these people coming into clinic, its just such a complex situation and the long waitlists for mental health support, and lack of understanding about transgender issues and identity have a huge impact on people getting the correct support as well as getting the psychological support ASAP instead of being left with such a trauma.

Those struggling with Gender Dysphoria need to be supported quickly.

My time working in mental health has been so eye opening and understanding of the complexities people face in this life. Be kind.

[This is just a small snippet of the info I’ve read/people I had the honour of meeting due to my job and everyones experience is different on this topic.]


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luchthonn
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2 mo. ago
This was really nice to read! I'm glad the community was a good place for you when you needed it, even though it wasn't the right fit. The journey to finding out who we are can be a weird one, eh?

I hope your mental health is doing better these days. I've struggled a lot with that over the years myself. May those you love listen with open hearts. You deserve to be heard and for your experiences to be respected.


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partofbreakfast
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2 mo. ago
If anything, I feel like stories like yours need to be shared more. All ways of living are valid, and if we hide away stories of "I thought I was trans and tried it out, but it didn't feel right to me" then it only does the community a disservice. Self-actualization is the most important part of this, and people need to feel like they can explore their identity and find out who they are. If we tell them "it's okay to be trans but once you transition then that's who you are" then that's harmful to people.

...but that's also quite a bit of nuance to the situation and I know bigots won't pick up on that and instead will weaponize stories like yours against the trans community. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.


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EditRedditGeddit
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2 mo. ago
Hugz
Thank you so much ❤️ As a trans man who’s been very scared i’ll end up detransitioning, it both comforts me to know that if I do it’ll be okay, and that you share you story while remaining in solidarity with me. Honestly, thank you thank you thank you ❤️❤️


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Nomandate
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2 mo. ago
Its important to me that when I share this part of my personal history that it isnt weaponized against actual trans people

It’s good you said this because it’s very often what happens in threads like this.


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Jackalopee
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2 mo. ago
people need to be able to try, I would much rather live in a society where too many try, than too few


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SaltyMylk
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2 mo. ago
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FtMtF here. I took testosterone for 3 years and got a double mastectomy, changed my name and documents.

Basically: I was unable to pass consistently as a cis man. It was very stressful, to sometimes be read as a man and sometimes as a woman. I never knew exactly how to present or introduce myself, and sometimes worried for my safety. Eventually I had to accept that I may never be read as a man. I could've dug deeper into my transition (via surgeries to masculinize my face/body), but they'd be costly, I didn't want them personally, and there was no guarantee that I'd pass afterwards anyway. So I decided my best option was to detransition.

After, I began to re-explore my gender and started feeling more comfortable in butch womanhood. Looking back, there were some differences between me and other trans men. For example: most of them viewed their assigned sex as something to overcome, or just irrelevant to their identity as men. But I always felt that being female was part of what formed my identity. I had pushed out all of the parts of myself that conflicted with the narrative I had to uphold to be taken seriously as trans man. Detransitioning allowed me to seriously consider-- and even embrace-- those parts of myself again.

I don't regret my transition; in fact, I think it helped a lot with my dysphoria. And I don't view myself as "extrans" (sounds too similar to "ex-gay" for comfort). I'm just someone whose transition didn't work out. I'm still pro-trans, though I think that trans communities do need to work on having a more individualized and realistic approach to identity and transition, as well as address detransition more seriously/support detransitioners.


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healdyy
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2 mo. ago
I think your last paragraph is really important. People need to be allowed to explore themselves in a supportive environment, without pressure to conform to societal norms. But likewise if they do explore and find that actually transitioning is not the path that’s best for them, they need to be supported and respected.

Dysphoria can come with a lot of other mental health issues, and as this thread shows there’s lots of cases where gender is actually only the surface issue and not the main driver of a person’s discomfort.

I’m cis so I can’t pretend to really understand. However as someone who’s been depressed and struggled a lot with self-esteem I can see how someone in my position could feel uncomfortable with themselves and possibly explore their gender identity. They might be trans, they might not be, but how would they know for sure unless they were allowed to explore in a supportive environment?

As with a lot of mental health issues, there’s a real lack of widespread understanding and support for gender related issues. Hopefully as we progress that changes more.


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itxdevs
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2 mo. ago
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Okay so I was SAed when I was around 10 years old, so in my mind I thought that If I were a boy, it wouldn't have happened (Which I know it's not the case, it can happen to anyone but I was just a child). Fast forward to 13 years old me, I was sure I was a trans boy, 100%. I came out and for three years I lived as Cole, I didn't start hormones but I had socially transitioned. There were times when I was doubting myself, I wasn't so sure but I couldn't understand why. The SA part happened again around 16 and it hit me, so I went to my therapist and just told her everything. I spoke to my family and friends, now I'm almost 19 years old and still healing. I hate when people still call me Cole, but hey, I can't do much about it.


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luchthonn
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2 mo. ago
Compassion, stranger. I had a similiar journey in that I experienced the same as a child, but I'm sure of my identity as a trans man. There were times I doubted though, when I was much younger (in my late teens and early twenties).

This is such a difficult experience to live with. I hope no one is giving you grief for the journey you took. It is totally understandable for a girl to think they would have been safer if they were born a boy.

Sounds like you've been through a lot. May the days ahead be brighter than the ones behind you.


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MaritimeDisaster
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2 mo. ago
What does SAed mean? I tried Google but nothing relevant came up.


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rmorea
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2 mo. ago
I am so sorry- I know words are trite but truly- you didnt deserve that.


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bpd_bby
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2 mo. ago
Multiple things. Social repercussions, self hatred, being unsure of if I‘m trans or just mentally ill… Also I always felt like I could never ever pass (I‘m very small and have a very feminine body type) so it felt like continuing to transition would just make me feel even worse about myself. Trying to live as I am now.


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Softboyty
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2 mo. ago
I started transitioning when I was 14 and it was a quick and content process but I was going through a lot mentally. From 14-18 no one could convince me I wasn’t a man or that I shouldn’t continue my transition. I started testosterone at 18 but less than a year into it I started having doubts and stopped. I am 19 now and I’ve been experimenting with more feminine things, I’ve stopped binding and bought a wig and a skirt and some makeup and changed my name to something more gender neutral and I have no idea why- My doubts are more around the fact that I came out during a time where my mother had just kicked me out for dating a trans man and I was in a really really abusive predator relationship with a 22y/o at 14 and he was telling me I was a man and that I was doing the right thing which caused me to make my whole life and personality completely masculine and from that time until 18 I was just floating with it and now that I live on my own and have my shit semi together I have doubts that I never gave myself a chance to embrace feminine aspects of myself from the beginning of puberty to the near end. So I guess my detransition is a reset to the gender crisis to make sure.


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Bee_Hummingbird
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2 mo. ago
You were abused by a pedophile. I'm sorry your mother abandoned you at that time. Teenagers are so vulnerable. I hope you can heal and figure everything out.


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Mupps5
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2 mo. ago
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It's very complex but the biggest factor why I started transitioning in the first place is that heteronormativity was forced on me so aggressively as a kid that I genuinely believed the only way I could fit into society was as a woman. As a man I was too soft (bad), empathetic (bad) and gay (veeery bad). Because of my soft face and voice I also didn't need to change anything except grow out my hair to perfectly pass as a girl so transitioning seemed like "destiny" to me. Started transitioning as soon as I left high school. After a year I started taking hormones and the body changes weirded me the f out. I was unsure of my decision and that gave me anxiety attacks every day. I paused the transition for a bit and then decided to give living as a man one last shot. But this time as my own version of a man and according to my own beliefs instead of what I've been taught by society. It worked and never looked back. That was a decade ago.

Edit: One thing I would add is that even though I detransitioned rather quickly, I don't regret trying. If I hadn't tried it, it would have always been a big "what if?" question in my life and I learned a lot from it.

Thank you for all the wonderful messages, I read them all and they made me so happy:)


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MyNameIsZem
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2 mo. ago
I had a similar experience where I didn’t know lesbians existed until I was in middle school, and so for awhile thought it made sense to be a guy, because I knew I liked women (and men) from a very young age. This is quite personal, but I have a difficult time getting off if I don’t imagine myself as a guy, or at least having a dick. I’m very happy with my body otherwise, which is pretty conventional and feminine, even though I have short hair and my favorite clothing has always been more gender-neutral (think joggers and sweaters). I just don’t really understand gender or how I can relate to either being male or female at this point.


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iHasMagyk
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2 mo. ago
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Same for me. I now know I’m a cis guy. I was told by my old friend group (an LGBT support group) that everything I did that wasn’t traditionally masculine made me trans. I like wearing skirts and looking at lingerie and dresses and shit, and apparently that made me trans. So I just went with it. Sure I’m trans.

I went to a mental hospital for 3 months (unrelated, kind of) and while there I just started questioning myself. I didn’t really feel like a girl. But I was always told that I was so I must be a girl. After getting out I pretty quickly fell out with my friend group, and shortly after realized that I’m very much cis.

So even now I think that assuming that everyone who doesn’t exactly conform to gender roles is trans is a harmful notion. Even subs like r/egg_irl I just feel should take a step back and maybe not encourage everyone like me who likes girly things and just automatically say we’re trans. Some of us are guys. In skirts. And we’re proud of that.


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mrsbebe
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2 mo. ago
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Your story reminds me of a story I heard several years ago, which I'm probably going to butcher. It was a man in his 40s or 50s at the time who said he had very similar experiences to you growing up; he was also abused by his father. And he said for a long time he tried to be more "manly" but just...couldn't. It wasn't sustainable for him, he was miserable. So then he thought that he should be a woman, which at the time would've been quite the controversy. Anyway, he ended up needing to have some kind of blood work done years later for something and through that discovered that he had some kind of genetic disorder where he just never produced enough testosterone...ever. He ended up taking testosterone and getting into therapy and said his entire outlook on life changed. He didn't suddenly become this "manly man" or anything, but he had answers and he had a solution to how crappy he had always felt. As of the telling of this story he was still in intensive weekly therapy for all of the trauma and abuse he incurred but he was living his life again. It was kind of an incredible, and very sad, story.


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username2065
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2 mo. ago
So happy for you! I think a lot of these stories really speak of the harm gender roles and stereotypes forced on people have.


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reallylovesguacamole
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2 mo. ago
I wonder how many had this type of experience, where they don’t perfectly follow stupid gender norms and stereotypes, so they’re told and internalize that they’re not a “real” man/woman, as if those things exist. I’m glad you were able to accept yourself as you are and say fuck the cultural stereotypes.


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Pyrollusion
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2 mo. ago
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This right here. This is the thing. Deciding what being a man or a woman means for you and rejecting the role others assigned to that is what I think would've been the right path for many people who instead rejected the entire gender, not realizing that gender and gender roles are not the same thing and then making changes to themselves which are much harder to reverse. I had to get there aswell. From "I don't feel like a man. Maybe I'm not a man." to "Bullshit, I'm not what others told me a man has to be, but what the fuck do they know? It's a spectrum anyway." I am a man. A fairly feminine one which caused family, friends and colleagues to suggest that I was gay or trans or whatever for two decades which led to a lot of inner pressure and intrusive thoughts on top of the trauma and depression I had anyway. But I am starting to figure out my flavor of male and it shows. Wish I could've gotten there sooner but that's the journey I guess.


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MrSquishy_
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2 mo. ago
There’s so little room for nuance. I’m glad you found a way to be more comfortable with yourself

When people say “if you’re a more feminine man, you must really be a woman,” they don’t realize that applies to like 15% of guys. Cookie cutter solutions are not solutions


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Kasmirque
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2 mo. ago
So glad you’ve found a place you are comfortable at. It makes me so sad when gender stereotype roles are forced on children- so harmful.


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Acc87
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2 mo. ago
I feel like this may be an understated reason for people feeling the need to transition, just their type of male/female not fitting your whatever local normative male/female is. I knew a man who did drag on dedicated weekends, it was his normal, and he experienced unsupportiveness by his local (university) LGBT help group, who sorta wanted him to decide between either male or female, and felt him doing drag was "masquerading" or "carneval".


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balloon_prototype_14
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2 mo. ago
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this is what i fear most when young kids talk about it, my niece is a tomboy. as the name implies it BOY. she has interest for BOYS. it should not matter. why cant girls like soccer or cars of play with mud without being called a tomboy with boy interests ? she also likes makeup but whenever she shows interest her parents are like but u like boy stuff this is girl stuff and i just get mad. she is hella confused because of that.


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ChaosOnion
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2 mo. ago
But this time as my own version of a <gender> and according to my own beliefs instead of what I've been taught by society. It worked and never looked back.

Good gracious, this is the most profound thing I've read on Reddit in a long while. It's so succinctly said. You need tobe you! People, be you! It's so difficult to take a step back and a breath and figure that out, but you owe it so much to yourself to find you amongst the noise. It's a personal investment you will not regret! Louder for everybody in the back!


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JaneFairfaxCult
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2 mo. ago
Lovely.


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vulpyx
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2 mo. ago
I'm so glad you found your place and have been able to live as you were meant to.


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cranberry_snacks
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2 mo. ago
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I slowly realized that gender was not the actual root of the problem I was dealing with. Gender dysphoria was more of a symptom than the problem, and accepting and loving my body as it is would be easier and healthier than trying to chase after a superficial "fix."

The real problem was a complicated mess of deep self-loathing, identity problems, and gender biases. "Self-love" is one of those things that pops up on Instagram as a sort of dismissive heal-all along with take a bath, drink more water, and do yoga, but it's really a lot more important that it seems. Couple that with deep-seated perception biases of the sexes (which we all have), and a transient sense of self and you have a recipe for gender dysphoria.

It took decades to unravel some of this stuff. It wasn't at all just like an "ah ha" moment, but a slow unwinding through years of hard work. A lot of false starts and "realizations" that turned out to fizzle, or require years of additional insight to really become anything. Even with a lot of work, these things don't just up and go away. I've been able to change my relationship with my self and I'm finding more and more ways to love myself, but my perceptions of gender are still heavily biased. I still relate and identify more with the opposite sex than with my own.

As of right now, I would say there still is a disconnect between the gender of my inner-most self-image and my body, but I've stopped seeing that as a problem. I've started to question whether this matters, and whether having a "gender identity" is even healthy for me. My body is what it is and my mind is what it is, and I'm working on loving and accepting myself exactly as I am. As of so far, this feels healthy, freeing, and authentic.


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Questions4Legal
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2 mo. ago
Good work being so introspective about your own path. I agree breaking down gender stereotypes is an absolute necessity for societal health. The idea that someone who would not necessarily be trans is compelled to start hormones or have surgery because they feel it is the only way they can fit within the stereotypes is really depressing.

The gender stereotypes are so damn pervasive that we barely even notice we are doing it. In my own life I am a man, I have a beard and a (somewhat comically) deep voice, I have been married to a woman for many years and have three children, I do plenty of masculine things and there has never been any question of my male identity but I bought a small flute a few weeks ago while I was sick with covid and the comments from friends and family about me playing and enjoying this dainty little instrument were absolutely fucking insane. I owned a Volkswagen beetle back in college and it was a similar experience. "Why do you have a chick car?!" "What a gay little vehicle" meanwhile as an irrelevant aside that little adorable car got way more positive female attention than any lifted truck on earth lol. But I digress, we should never feel we have to "prove" that we are what we are to anyone and I sincerely feel for people who are pressured to changing themselves just to fit other people's misguided ideas.


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Kirxas
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2 mo. ago
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Long story short I realized I didn't need to go all in to be comfortable with myself, plus, the crippling self loathing I had over not looking enough like a cis girl was way worse than my dysphoria was beforehand. In the end I settled to just do whatever the fuck felt right and decided to slap the non binary label on myself (demiboy if you wanna get specific) and call it a day.

Would I like to magically be born again as a cis girl? Yeah, but that's not how the world works, so I picked the option that in my situation led to the best outcome and I'm now truly happy.

Hell, I don't need therapy for my depression anymore and in just two months I'll be off my meds for it, which is something I never imagined possible.

While this might not be the best option for most trans people, it was for me


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luchthonn
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2 mo. ago
Congratulations on kicking depression's arse! I'm weaning of my meds for that right now. Some days are darker than others, but on the other hand some are brighter. I hope those are the ones you see ahead of yourself. It sounds like you've found peace, even if it wasn't how and where you expected it.


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Maximellow
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2 mo. ago
That's basically what I did. I am not a cis girl, I have dysphoria, but the need to fit in with cis men and the pain of not looking like them hurt me even more.

So I can kinda slapped non-binary on myself as a compromise. I wil never be seen as a cis man, no matter how hard I try. So i might aswell stop trying and just live my life by my own rules.


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Tecrus
·
2 mo. ago
Your story is almost like mine. I would love to just magically be a cis man but that's never gonna happen and I never started to medically transition because I knew that no matter what, I'd never look like the kinda man I want to be. I'm 5' 2" so I'd be a very short man and bottom surgery for transmen is not even close to having the genuine part so I thought "Why bother? Why go through all that time and money when I know I'm still not gonna be happy?" So now I just deal with living as a woman.


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International_Slip
·
2 mo. ago
Hey, just want to say I'm very, very happy for you.

Depression and dysphoria are a hell of a thing and being able to get to a place where you can cope with both and feel at ease...I'm just very happy for you.


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Sunberrytoldme
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2 mo. ago
Would I like to magically be born again as a cis girl?

Would you still want to be born again as a woman even if it meant not being conventionally attractive? Genuinely curious because I think people forget that there are all types of women, not just the pretty ones in media. There are plenty of women with the same feelings of wanting to be born again with different physical features.


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EditRedditGeddit
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2 mo. ago
This makes a lot of sense, and is honestly kind of similar to me in that in a perfect world I’d identify as nonbinary. I still believe that top surgery and T are intrinsically the best for me, however I’d really prefer to have had the experience of being taken seriously as masculine, as I am, before taking that step. Most of my dysphoria is social and I’m very excited about the impact of T, but also it’d be amazing to see what top surgery + social acceptance alone does before deciding.

The thing is, I don’t have that social acceptance. The life of being transmasc and not going on testosterone, is everyone calling me “she”, assuming I am a woman, and projecting femininity onto me constantly. I do think I want T ultimately, but the fact I can’t be seen for me as I currently am is confusing. In my heart I feel nonbinary and genderqueer and would like to move between masculinities and experiment more with my presentation. But the circumstances of the world I live in is absolutely playing a role in how I go about my transition. It’s not just about “who I am”, but what sort of life I can live.

I’m really glad you’ve found an identity that works well for you and a life that you enjoy. Wishing you all the best 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈


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12086478
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I came out in 2018, trans MTF.

I was a really depressed 20 year old, I had always thought I might be trans, I never felt right in myself since around aged 10, I thought coming out and living as a woman would be my cure .

So I came out, and for the First 12 months it did, I was happy and I felt less insecure .

But after that I went back to feeling depressed, suicidal. Anti depressants didn't really help me, therapy was kinda okay. But it felt like a hole was still there.

I ignored it, "once I'm on hormones I'll feel better"

3 years went by, I was on a wait list to get hormones , in the meantime I started gender therapy.

My therapist was great. He helped me with confidence and presenting myself but I still felt wrong and depressed and fucked up in a way I couldn't explain.

He found me a job, 6 month paid contract in a charity shop, 25h a week. I was very reluctant "fuckin charity shop? Old people shit" but he pushed me to go for it so I did. I needed money. Job is a job.

(For the job I still was presenting as cis male)

After the interview for the job I was beaming, they were kind and understanding and everything I didn't expect . I started 2 weeks later.

A week after working there it started to hit , my mood and overall depression and anxiety was going down , I looked forward to going in every day.

A month in, I felt different, I could talk to people and make eye contact , helping customers, having banter with the manager and volunteers

After 2 months I just knew, I felt where I belong , I didn't feel trans, my dysphoria went away , I was happy being seen as a male, my depression had mostly disappeared, I haven't thought bout killing myself.

I'm currently onto my 4th month of working there and I'm happy as a male, I told my family and friends , and they understand, I'm glad I didn't start hormones or do anything permanent. I'm just glad to be happy again.

I love charity shops , and I've found what I want to do long-term. I've got thr chance to manage a new store that's opening and I'm going to grab it with both hands. Not only so I can help the charity but help the community.

I'm still bi, and I'm still a lgbtq+ ally , trans rights are human rights and we should do what we can to get trans people whatever they need to succeed. From hormones to therapy, to surgery and safe spaces for them to express themselves without being worried about being hurt.

Thanks for reading my dyslexic ass shit


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wolfie_angel
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2 mo. ago
I’m glad you found your calling, this was lovely to read


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Cloberella
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2 mo. ago
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Sometimes I think a lot of us are sad, humans, in general, I cannot speak for the trans experience as a cis person, because we are so connected we have become disconnected.

I can chat with someone on the other side of the planet, consume entertainment from across the globe, and order anything I can imagine delivered directly to my door all from a phone that fits in my pocket. I could never leave my home if I wished. It's convenient, and that's great, but it's come at a sacrifice to the community around us. I don't know most of my neighbors. I live in a very small town and yet I know very few people. When I go to work it's several cities away in a neighboring state. I sit at a desk and I push buttons on a machine. I rarely see the impact my work has on others, or feel I bring any value to those around me. I take my check, go home, catch up with what the rest of the distant world is doing, and go to bed. The next morning, maybe I wave to a nameless face across the street as I get the mail, but we don't speak. I might have seen them post a complaint on the town FB page, but it's hard to match an avatar to the real thing. I feel apart from my community, rather than a part of it. I do not know my people, do I have a people? I'm American, but what does that mean? America is so big.

Doing work that has a tangible impact, like working in charity, alleviates this to some degree. I have my current job because it has a pension and health insurance, but I left working in a Nursing Home to take it. I miss the Nursing Home. I couldn't survive and support my family and stay at the Nursing Home, but, I did good work there. Where I am now, I just work.


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asap-the-rapper
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2 mo. ago
Thats great and don't worry it was easy to read


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Der_Sauresgeber
·
2 mo. ago
While supporting transpeople and being an ally of LGBTQ+ myself, I think that what you describe is extremely important. Some of the things that happen happen for a different reason than people actually being trans. Transitioning is an important, life-altering decision that should be made with a clear mind.


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BojanglesDeloria
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2 mo. ago
I hope to live in a world where people can freely experiment with whatever they think will make them happier as long as it’s not hurting anyone else. That journey (while I’m sure not easy) seems to have brought you to a wonderful place


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Bierculles
·
2 mo. ago
sometimnes the cause of a depression is really not something you would ever expect. Sometimes finding a purpose in something you do is all that is needed. your brain really fucks you over sometimes and most of the time you really have no fucking idea why or the reason you think it is really isn't it.

I'm glad you are doing better now. Once you feel secure in your job i would really recommend to try some new hobbys, something you've never done before, like swordfighting or downhillbiking. work life balance is important even if it looks like your job is all you need atm.


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Rounder057
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2 mo. ago
My daughter is 15 (mtf) and everything you said sounds like her. I’m going to support her no matter what, that’s my kid and I love her always but this added a wrinkle in my brain.

I’m not going to mention this to her or anything but, hopefully, she will be starting therapy soon!

Thanks for the post!


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Valthek
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2 mo. ago
While anecdotal, this is actually a really good argument for the theory that poor environmental conditions and a lack of support network can exacerbate or even cause all kinds of mental issues.
I'm glad you're doing better now, internet stranger.


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doctor_providence
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2 mo. ago
Thanks for the insight, wish you well.


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cwesttheperson
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2 mo. ago
Purpose and environment are everything. People keep looking for purpose and happiness in all the wrong places. I’m glad you found what you’re looking for, or on the path.

If I could tell anyone 16-22ish something, it’s that your late teens and early 20s are hard for a lot of people. You’re supposed to feel lost, you’re having to navigate life as an adult and find your way. Don’t do anything radical. If you keep searching and learning how to be happy you may just find what you need, which isn’t always what you want.


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SparrowsQuest
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2 mo. ago
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Transitioned at 45 in 2008. Knew in a year or thereabouts I had made a mistake, but by then everyone knew the new name, pronouns, and I had too surgery and a full beard. I figured I was stuck.

I also had heard laser hair removal was out of my financial range and painful. I went off male hormones and on estrogen (complete justo long done) six months ago. Tried laser. It was not expensive but was excruciating. It is mostly done on face, and I figure I will have to shave forever.

Looking back, I grew up with my mother constantly saying I walked like a man, dressed like one sometimes, I may as well be a man. Tried carrying purse in high school. People actually laughed “look at Butch here with a purse!”

I was depressed and alone and I found a meeting for people thinking about transitioning. Once there, I felt pressured to see it through to be FTM.

Never really happy that way. It was so easy to get hormones and surgery. I had a fight to get on estrogen, which is just baffling. For me, transitioning was a combination of family and peer pressure and chronic depression. While others need to do it, I never should have.

People, be careful what you comment to your kids. It really stuck with me and has taken me literal decades to get over.

Also, once off testosterone and on estrogen, my blood pressure and resting pulse dropped out of dangerous range for the first time since I had started T in 2008.

Cheers


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Questions4Legal
·
2 mo. ago
So many of these stories involve familes who have been unkind to their own children. It is really a depressing thought. What I am learning from this thread is that while there are some people who benefit from going through with transitioning there are also a lot of people who come to the conclusion they need to change who they are because who they are was reviled by people who should have carred for them, some of the cases even involving abuse.

The conclusion to me is that kindness is our only path forward. Kindess for those who are insecure, kindness for those who are unsure, and kindness for those who have resolved to make permanent changes. It is sad to think there are people who are so unhappy with who they are because of the way they have been treated by others. Transitioning, especially as a young person is an endeavor that absolutely must be undertaken with as much information, care, and guidance as can possibly be provided and the real possibility that it is not the best course for many people who feel that way at one point or another must remain a possibility.


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DollChowhall
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2 mo. ago
I started HRT to transition from MtF in my mid 30s ... I was on it for about a year and a half, almost two. My experience was great. I had a lot of love and support from my friends and family and I was enjoying all the changes. Then the pandemic happened and my provider team closed and left the state. I had to leave the state as well, and find employment somewhere else. I started a new job, a new health care plan, and I had been off of HRT inadvertently for 6 months by the time everything normalized in my life. I started to dream as male again. I realized I wasn't as hormonal and sensitive. When we started working in person again last year, I was presenting as a male again. My new coworkers have only known me this way, and it was admittedly easier than having to explain transitioning a dozen or so different times to different coworkers. Also, my family is still just as supportive. I don't know if I'll re transition or not


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Bee_Hummingbird
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2 mo. ago
Speaking as a woman, female hormones are fucking crazy. You weren't as hormonal and sensitive bc you no longer took female hormones. I wish men understood this better that we don't want to necessarily be this way but hormones are a hell of a drug.


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Roguespiffy
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2 mo. ago
Would you mind expounding on the “dream as a male again?” I’m just curious because generally when I dream if I’m present I usually don’t look like myself and it’s just understood, this is me. Sort of like having work anxiety dreams and you’re in a place that’s physically different than your actual office.


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your_actual_life
·
2 mo. ago
"Dream as male" - I had never considered this aspect of transitioning. Very interesting!


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Faeriekins98
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2 mo. ago
When I was a kid my brother ran away. My grandmother made me wear his boy clothes and cut my hair like a boy's. Kids asked me all the time of I was a boy. When I grew out of my brothers clothes she got me the ugliest female clothes she could find. Made me really feel like masculinity was deeply rooted in me and I felt more comfortable as a boy then as a girl. Years pass and I eventually ran away from there like my brother did.

I moved in with my mom and decided to go full dude mode. I wore a binder and a tight sports bra to hide my boobs, cut my hair off, deepened my voice and addressed myself as masculine. Never did hormones but I wanted to badly. Something that convinced me I had to be trans was my sexuality which I had always hidden as a child. I am pansexual and thought this meant I must be trans cause I liked girls boy and all flavors of trans.

I remember telling my brother I needed to 'man up' during this misguided period of my life cause I thought that's the only way I could handle the outside world. I thought it was the only way I'd get respect . I'm embarrassed now cause I realize I was lying to myself to make myself feel stronger then I was at the time. I associated strength with masculinity when strength can be found any where in any thing.

Im an adult woman now. I wear mostly dresses but fully embrace my moments of masculinity as just a part of myself. I realize now that gender is a fluid thing. Masculinity and femininity are words we have put on characteristics and it doesn't make them concrete.

Not sure I can say 100% why I did it but I can say that it was a desperate attempt at getting respect and learning who I am when I'd been a little pansexual child locked up in a house for the first 13-14 years of my life. I detransitioned when I learned that I was okay with being a woman and where I lie on the gender spectrum fluctuates.


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Dastardly_Bee
·
2 mo. ago
My little sister began a social transition when she was sixteen. She cut her hair, went by a different name, wore men’s clothing, and began binding. I supported her but when I realized that she was just as depressed and insecure as before, I had a long conversation with her where I just let her say anything that she was feeling. It turns out, she was struggling with a sexuality crisis and felt understandably uncomfortable with the male-gaze femininity that’s forced down our throats 24/7. So, she started experimenting with femininity on her own terms and is now extremely happy. I’m extremely happy for her. This doesn’t in any way discredit trans people who are comfortable with their decisions.


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luchthonn
·
2 mo. ago
Her experience isn't too uncommon! A lot of trans men struggle with wondering if they're actually a guy or if it's a social issue. Some people find out they're trans and others find out the bullshit girls/women are saddled with sucks.

And it's totally okay to explore your gender, try out different gender expression's, and then go, "Hmm, not for me!". She went on a journey to discover who she was and found out it was a circle. :p

Sounds like she's doing better now. I wish her all the best of luck becoming who she is.


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Alazypanda123
Cake day
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2 mo. ago
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Reading this thread I see 2 things in common with every story. Mental health and societal expectations. These are both things that world still does not put enough solutions into. Alot of these peoples could have gone through life without having to start transition to realize they just had mental issues. The world needs to overcome these obstacles


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yayoletsgo
·
2 mo. ago
I'm seeing the exact same things here.


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Mentally_Ill_Goblin
·
2 mo. ago
21 AMAB, pre-HRT here. My dad doesn't believe transitioning will help me with anything. He's the only voice amongst many that's saying that. I'm trying to take his caution into account, but it's hard to not entirely fixate on that one negative voice.

Dysphoria, for me, began before my other half-dozen mental illnesses fully blossomed. And before I was put into social expectations box. It seems to be independent of those two factors.

However, I'm still reading through this thread with a little feeling of dread that I'll find a situation exactly like mine and I'll have to change my mind. My other mental conditions are pretty much in check. I have good medication for bipolar and ADHD, I'm not constantly depressed or anxious anymore, I've identified and started managing autism and its associated needs, and I'm ironing out PTSD. I still want to transition, before during and after my long period of trash mental health. But I still have that "you will probably stunt your ability to succeed in life" in my head. I want to do what I've wanted to do for more than half my life. I don't want to change my mind.


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This_iz_fine
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2 mo. ago
The societal expectations has caused me to be insecure about how I present myself as a cis-woman. I have felt pressured to wear certain clothes, wear makeup, long painted nails, act a certain way (ie I like swimming in the ocean and playing games on the beach but it seemed like every other teen girl was just sun tanning on the beach). I prefer to wear crew neck t-shirts and pants, I hate wearing makeup, and I enjoy things like video games, snorkeling and SCUBA, rock climbing, camping and hiking.

Societal expectations are annoying and stupid. Let girls act masculine, let men act feminine. Then maybe these feelings of insecurity won’t affect as many people to feel like they need to change themselves 100% to do what makes themselves feel right and happy.


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CaptainHindsight92
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2 mo. ago
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edited 2 mo. ago
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The number of negative comments based on semantics is crazy, can't we assume a question is well intentioned these days? If we attack everyone who is uninformed on a topic you are close to how do you hope to gain support and acceptance? It seems really counterproductive.


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Razlyk
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2 mo. ago
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As someone who's identifying as trans and still in the process of deciding if this is what I want in life, the stories people tell about detransitioning are extremely helpful in making a decision for myself. I ask myself if their story sounds like mine, and the fact that I haven't found one similar yet makes me more sure of my own feelings.

The trans community needs to understand that full transparency will help future trans folks down the road, as right now it's difficult to get information about the process. It's currently really difficult to get a report of the full impact of estrogen on a male body, which sucks because all I want is to be able to have a healthy transition and not run into health complications down the road.

Tl;dr Transparency on the full scope of gender transition will only serve trans people.


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AnnieAbattoir
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2 mo. ago
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This is why the current trend of "It's not my job to educate you" bothers me so much. No, it's not your job but it can help someone take a step out of ignorance. One less ignorant person in the world is always a good thing.


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Nicofatpad
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2 mo. ago
Wait what would be the proper way to ask this question anyways?? Im confused


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Cayshax
·
2 mo. ago
I've never been stereotypical of a female. Always played with dinos as a kid, masculine interest, never wear makeup.

I had some bad sexual trauma experiences. I got some wires crossed believing that my nonconforming to female stereotypes and my trauma equaled out to be gender dysphoria. But I didnt realize I had trauma was the problem. I went to therapy because I wanted to be sure transitioning was for me. I worked through a lot of stuff and when I told my therapist "yeah i dont identify as a man" the absolute confusion she had.

I dont want my personal story to be an example of why trans people dont exist. But it is important not to just self diagnose and talk to a healthcare professional.

And maybe not take advice from the internet.... Looking up my symptoms thats what it was, and the cure was to take testosterone and have surgery. So I just believed that.


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Become_A_Better_Dad
·
2 mo. ago
> I've never been stereotypical of a female. Always played with dinos as a kid

Cis man and uncle here. Am I crazy, or are toys for boys just way cooler than toys for girls? This Christmas I was shopping at a toy store in Mexico. One third of the store, draped in pink, was filled with every possible iteration of doll you might imagine. But as far as "girls toys", that's all there was- dolls, baby dolls, tween dolls, barbie dolls- maybe this is because I am (admittedly) not the target audience, but I didn't see a lot of diversity.

Over in the third of the store dedicated to the boys I found all sorts of cool stuff. Dinosaurs, aliens, monsters, fantasy warriors (e.g. elves and wizards), super heroes, assorted weaponry (nerf guns, etc), space ships, race cars- tons of different stuff to cover different interests.

The final third, the "gender neutral" part also had more diversity- art supplies, puzzles, board games, etc.

I decided it was unfair my nieces should have to get stuck with more dolls, while the boys got more interesting toys. So all the girls also got some dinosaurs, and all shared in a Hot Wheels track kit where the race cars spin around a track and race and crash into each other. One niece loved the cars; the other preferred her dinosaur; the youngest preferred her cabbage patch doll. Speaking as an aging, heteronormative man: I see no problem here. I don't see why ANY of these toys should be restricted or encouraged based on gender. I myself once played with my sister's Barbie dolls as they teamed up with my GI Joes to battle Skeletor's evil forces, and both she and I ended up pretty heteronormative as best I can tell.

This rant has nothing to do with the LGBTQ+ community specifically, just our society's warped view on gender vis-a-vis toys. I say let the kids play. Let them enjoy a few precious years where sexuality simply isn't (and shouldn't be) a big part of their life.

One ape's opinion.


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ghostfuckbuddy
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2 mo. ago
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edited 2 mo. ago
I had a year on hormones. I was in a relationship with a MtF and became convinced that I had a repressed transgender identity like she used to, so that's what I told the psychiatrist. After breaking up several years later it was pretty clear I was only doing it because I was madly in love and didn't want to feel left out of her friendship groups (which were not that welcoming to cis people).


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squidapedoyt
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2 mo. ago
I haven’t detransitioned yet because, after nearly ten years of hormones, it would not be an easy thing. But I’ve been questioning myself pretty heavily for the past year and come to the conclusion that I could have been happy, or at least content, if I had lived as a woman. But I internalized my trans “identity” so immediately that I didn’t leave myself room for questioning early on or for addressing other issues of internalized misogyny and body dysmorphia in therapy. I also was not fully prepared for the negative health risks of hormone replacement. As I’ve gotten older, my body has started to betray me. I’m realizing how serious it is and that I’m risking my current and future health. I want to be alive and healthy more than I want to be a man.


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underthesunlight
·
2 mo. ago
My wife detransitioned. (Born female, transitioned to male, detransitioned back to female.) She was in her 20s when she started on hormones and got top surgery and lived and passed as a man for five years. Everyone was very supportive and encouraging and eventually she realized she was miserable. My wife is very likely more on the androgynous or bigender spectrum. Some people just like to present male one day or female another day. Sometimes she goes through really girly phases and sometimes she goes through more boyish/masculine phases. There was a lot of mental health issues/childhood trauma that we think was also contributing. She also feels she got a little swept up by LGBT movements and LGBT therapists who were quick to get her started on hormones instead of helping talk her through it. She thinks she would've been easily convinced to get a breast reduction and dress more androgynous, but she felt she had to go all the way due to expectations.

It took her a ton of time to "come out" again as a woman. She felt horrible like she was letting all these people down. She did a Go Fund Me for her top surgery, and felt horrible for "cheating" people out of money. She marched in pride parades and fought for trans rights at her work and stuff. Lost friends over coming out, etc., but she also said at the time she felt 100% that it was the right course and it wasn't until like a year after her top surgery she started becoming more and more unhappy.

She has now detransitioned and lives 100% as a woman. I am prepared for an eventuality where she might identify as a man again, or some other in-between gender, and I am okay with that. I think people are way too rigid about gender and conformity. I 100% believe some people are trans and want/need to transition to be their true self. I also 100% some people get pressured (one way or the other) to conform to a made-up gender norm that is stifling, confusing and dangerous.

I can see from other people that have replied that that is potentially the case. It seems to be 1.) (mostly unrelated) untreated mental illnesses, 2.) not conforming to gender norms (wanting to wear clothes or do activities associated with the "opposite" gender), 3.) one or two of the above and being swept up in LGBT+ groups/therapists.

But I also think of it like... when I went to college I was 100% sure I wanted to get a degree in Biology and did two years of undergrad for that, and then later I realized that I couldn't do Biology and changed my degree to Education. But I was convinced for two years that I was going to be a Biologist. I spent a ton of money on that theory and went to a more expensive school for it. But then I changed my mind.

Some people get married and then divorced, you know? They were convinced 100% at the time that they were marrying The One and would be together forever, but then things changed and they realized it wasn't right anymore. It just happens, sometimes. You do something you think is right or that will make things better and if it doesn't then... you don't stay like that. You keep fixing it.


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littytitty00
·
2 mo. ago
You sound like a wonderful partner.


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Questions4Legal
·
2 mo. ago
One of the biggest takeaways from this thread is that having a proper support system is super important for people trying the make these life altering decisions. It sucks that part of the pressure to disregard the importance of making a fully informed and carefully considered choice seems to be coming from within the LGTBQ community itself. In my own experience with a transgender brother-in-law they intentionally saught out medical professionals who did not require any sort of mental health evaluation/screening and although in their case it seems to have been the correct choice and they are happy, the attitude that a doctor trying to help make absolutely sure its the right choice for someone before starting hormones or having surgery is somehow inherently hostile to the trans community is in my opinion a colossal mistake.


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candlebrew
·
2 mo. ago
Not exactly the same since I'm still trans. The side effects were making me hate my life more than suffering with the wrong body. I'm FTM and already deal with health conditions that make my life pretty miserable (asthma, damaged kidneys, narcolepsy.)

The HRT brought a lot of changes I appreciated, but it also brought some really awful ones: cystic acne on my face, neck and back that needed to be lanced (and was full of this nasty nearly black blood); moderate heat intolerance (I wore short sleeves & needed a desk fan even in the winter); losing hair at the sides of my head; rapid weight gain (about 60 pounds within a year); and overall increased my fatigue. I gave it two years, waiting for the "second puberty" to pass with my doctors' guidance on ways to try to alleviate/cope with symptoms, but nothing improved, so I had to make the decision to go off HRT just because I felt so unhealthy. It sucks to hear my voice softening a little, and to have my facial hair getting soft and light, but for now at least I'm not in the mental place to handle it. Maybe again in the future, but for now it is what it is.


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luchthonn
·
2 mo. ago
Taking hormones is a serious decision. You roll the dice, hope for the best, and sometimes get terrible numbers.

I understand your decision. It's not for me, but there have been times when I was shaving my body hair, tearing at my clothes due to the heat intolerance, or struggling to manage my anger (which wasn't an issue pre-T) that I wondered why I did this to my damn self.

There was a period of time where I had to stop since the changes were happening too rapidly and it was throwing off my mental health. They were good, but just ... having so much change about you is a lot to adjust to, at least for my autistic ass.

I hope things work out for you, whatever your decision is down the road.


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AsparagusFiend
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2 mo. ago
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edited 2 mo. ago
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So, I'm a bit of a weird case... I "transitioned" because I was AFAB, but I'm actually intersex (my chromosomes are XY). I supported my community, but never identified as "trans" even though I checked the boxes technically. I was given a lot of misinformation by doctors and my family before I found out; I'm a scientist and ran my own genome as practice, then low-and-behold, a Y chromosome. I have a lot of very deep regret and pain about having made choices without the full information because how can I truly consent? I made the best decisions possible at the time, but ultimately I wasn't allowed to make educated choices about my own body. I've since accepted my androgyny and identify less with the binary, embracing my intersex reality. So while I don't and never have identified as female, I did "detransition" in a sense.

I know a few trans people who did detransition, though it was solely due to their families threatening to disown them if they didn't continue living as the gender the family wanted them to.

::edit:: Check my reply below for info on what AFAB means and what intersex is: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/swweab/extrans_people_who_have_detransitioned_or_in_the/hxp51eh/


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DinoDog95
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2 mo. ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you. When I was doing my undergrad I had the pleasure of writing an assignment about intersex people and it’s awful think babies bodies are permanently changed often without the parents even being fully informed because of the pressure for someone to be male or female.


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jrb825
·
2 mo. ago
Follow up... What is afab and what is intersex


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felis_flatus
·
2 mo. ago
Thanks for posting! This is very interesting. I’ve watched things about others with cases like yours. As a cis-hetero-male who didn’t grow up near LGBTQ+ peoples or communities, obviously a lot of this is unusual to me. My lizard brain wants to reject some concepts, but it’s scientifically undeniable and it’s always great to get more info to try to quell that stupid lizard brain.

This is off topic, but… how much do you like asparagus?


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HappyInNature
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2 mo. ago
I'm very curious about the specifics of your biology but I don't want to be overly intrusive if you don't want to share.


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where_arm_i
·
2 mo. ago
Wow, I'm also AFAB intersex and didn't know it until I was 18 and heard the word for the first time, being fed that I was just trans my whole life.

Since I was a kid, I knew something was different about me. Taller than all the girls growing up, had a very masculine face even as a baby, male typical hairline. And then when I started going through puberty, it was nothing like my female friends. I had a thick moustache growing, a very noticeable Adams apple, thick body hair, normal weight distribution for men, my voice dropped. I was so confused and didn't know wtf was happening, and the bullying was insane. I used to wear long socks in PE class to cover my legs because even with shaving, the hair would grow back so quick

And everyone around me started telling me I was trans. I identified as a boy because everyone around me would always call me he or sir. But because I didn't know intersex people even existed, I thought being trans is what I was. Never identified as it, but I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. And God, the years of people arguing with me that I'm not a boy, my family disowning me because of something my body literally did on it's own. And like now, no one knows I'm not a cis male. Never called she, everyone assumes I'm just a straight dude. Rather that because I don't want the hate / discrimination. Ironic too because I work at a place that has a lotttt of Uber religious clientele lmao.

When I finally heard the word intersex and did research, it just all clicked. And then, finally, information came out about my birth from my parents (being born with very low levels of estrogen and atypical genetalia).

I still struggle finding support for being intersex. SO many doctors don't know what I'm talking about and will put me down as trans. Finally found someone familiar with intersex and did tests on me, confirming I am, just don't have a specific diagnosis yet. But it really sucks. Doctors know what being trans is off the bat, but say you're intersex and they'll stare at you like you've got two heads, and still ask questions pertaining to being trans.


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ThePsychoKnot
·
2 mo. ago
Jesus that last part is so sad. If my family threatened to disown me just for trying to be myself, then they could fuck off. No one needs that kind of attitude in their life, family or not


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Procatstinator
·
2 mo. ago
Had a hunch this might come up in this thread. I have a friend who when I met her introduced herself as a trans woman. But in recent years she's become open about the fact that she is in fact intersex, and that they assigned her male after birth because that "seemed to be the best fit".

She eventually transitioned as an adult and finally feels like herself. She's just open about it because she feels it was extremely awful to have a choice forced upon her that didn't suit her, and her environment became very hostile when she didn't conform, even before she knew what that meant.

I understand some things are easier when it's a baby, and that sometimes there is a medical need, but when there isn't we don't need to change the person and hope it'll turn out fine. We need to change society to include everyone so that they can make the best choice for themselves once able. And if there is a medical need, the person needs to be informed as soon as they can comprehend things, so that they can receive help, guidance, or simply understanding as they grow older. Puberty is shitty enough as it is. It really helps to know what is happening and why.


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Wouter10123
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2 mo. ago
At the risk of being downvoted into oblivion for asking an honest question:

if your chromosomes are XY, doesn't that just make you male, and they made a mistake at birth? Or do you have a female fenotype (like breasts/vagina)? Or is it rude to even ask this? I'm sorry, I don't know.

I thought intersex meant that you had XXY (or some other not XX or XY combination) chromosomes.

Please correct me if I'm wrong!


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Gyrovague_Greyling
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2 mo. ago
I never actually transitioned, but it turned out that I just don't like my assigned gender, not that I was supposed to be a different one. No errors to fix, just getting used to a body I don't want.


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Ninauposkitzipxpe
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2 mo. ago
I identify with this. I haaaate having breasts and a vagina. But they’re mine and I certainly don’t want testicles and body hair (a penis seems interesting for like a week though). I like other parts of physically being a woman like my hair and face, but I always thought I’d prefer to be a boy. I lived with a FTM man for three years and watching him go through that experience turned me off to ever transitioning. I honestly just wanted to be a genderless doll. I’m more comfortable now with being a woman, I think mostly because of how much I love other women.

Sorry for the word vomit - your comment hit the nail on the head for me!


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Radiant_Street_5448
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2 mo. ago
Can you explain this further? Do you mean that there was no hormonal errors? How did you get used to your body even though disliking it? I really just want to learn as I have a sibling who is non-binary and I want to be more informed about their community.


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Potential_Farmer_377
·
2 mo. ago
I never transitioned fully but i liked to wear women’s clothes and when I ended up in rehab and told my counselor about it I swear he was like basically frothing at the mouth and telling me I was trans and trying to get me to come out and transition and stuff and I was in a really vulnerable state newly sober trying to fill the void in my soul with methods other than alcohol and it really threw me for a loop to be honest. Like I felt like someone’s experiment or something even though I never really transitioned except socially with the counselor. I think my tendency to people please really played a big part too. Idk bro I just like to wear dresses and makeup sometimes it’s dope idk haha doesn’t mean I’m not a man though….I realize that now.


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ladycarpenter
·
2 mo. ago
Not sure if this counts as I never did hormone therapy. From 5-11 I wanted to be a boy. I told my mom all the time that i wished I was a boy. Played with the boys, dressed like a boy, even peed standing up. My mom just let me do my thing and never made me feel bad about it or that I was doing something wrong but she didn’t start me on hormones. Today at 33 I couldn’t be more happy that she let me go through my journey without doing something as drastic as starting to officially transition me. Today I’m def androgynous and still wear boy clothes but I’m happy and comfortable in the body I have


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rreapr
·
2 mo. ago
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edited 2 mo. ago
I’m ftm trans and I had a similar experience - I was always “one of the boys” growing up but I never put it in words so blatantly. The closest I ever came to it was when a kid I was playing with asked if I was a boy or a girl and I told him to guess, hoping he’d guess I was a boy, because I felt too bad to “lie” and say I was.

My parents never forced any sort of gender presentation on me - they let me get the clothes I wanted, get the toys I wanted, and play how I wanted. I tended to gravitate towards more traditionally masculine things but I didn’t really question my gender as a kid, I was just a girl who did boy things because I didn’t know trans people existed and gender wasn’t such a huge divide in my mind. Like even if I had been a boy, nothing much would’ve changed about my life. I sort of wonder if I would have realized I was trans sooner if I had been pushed into a traditionally feminine role because then I would’ve wanted something different for myself.

But the older I got the more issues I started to have with my physical body feeling “wrong,” I eventually decided to transition and I’ve been much happier for it. So I guess my point is that giving your kids the time, freedom, and support to figure themselves out is a healthy way to approach it whether they’re trans or not.


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Questions4Legal
·
2 mo. ago
It sounds like you have a great mother who supported you and helped you make the right decision for yourself. So many of the stories in here point towards a person's support being an absolute necessity no matter what decisions they ultimately make.


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my58vw
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2 mo. ago
I am not your "trans-normative" or "cis-normative" person, and have not technically "detransitioned" but my story here will likely help those reading this thread:

I was born technically intersexed with a very rare hormonal condition Kallmann's Syndrome, the inability for the body to produce the precursors to male or female hormones with a lack of smell. Many people in this tiny community have issues with gender and sexuality as there is no way to know 100% how people feel gender wise due to having generally underdeveloped or cross developed anatomy. I was born with a partially formed microphallus with female markers in my anatomy. Being XY the doctors labeled me male, and with no real reference I did not really ever think about male or female, all I knew is that I had to go to the doctors 4 times a year and got to have lunch at my favorite restaurant outside the hospital.

Being asexual, or maybe just visually attracted to both sexes at times (feel sexually female, but can see attractive quality of both) it was obvious there was an issue when I would sneak into my sisters and mom's clothing and wear them when they were not home. Things went crazy when they started giving me testosterone around 13 --- which I refused to take the injections... I did not like the way it made me feel, I did not want the facial hair, low voice, etc... and those sexual feels were terrible... just intensifying my desire to sexually be female (something that some might call dysphoria).

I stopped taking hormones and lives "male" (whatever you call male since I did not fit the mold at all) or maybe androgynous for the next 20 years. Health related issues due to no hormones years later and getting my home lead to a decision... it was time to make a change... I started female HRT. The hormones felt right, and still do... I like the idea of having a more female body, and have considered SRS if it is possible (unusual anatomy), but I still do not socially feel female. I did the "female thing" makeup, etc but quickly realized that was not me either.

I went from male to extremely female, to now neither male nor female. I dress like a butch female, wearing typical male clothing in a more female body but also will wear dresses and skirts to more formal functions. I still dream female, and have female desires.

Many people who designate trans are just going from one extreme to another, from something that gives them dysphoria to something that also gives them dysphoria. As someone in a high profile education system I have had to chance to tell my story in many ways, a book at some point in the future included, and in the end the story is always the same... we fall on some part of the gender scale. Unless you are like me you will always be anatomically born male or female, and may change that to something else. Transitioning is less about your "cis-normative" body, but how you view yourself and present yourself to the world.

I rarely "present female" anymore, and don't always get gendered male or female anymore, but I am very happy... maybe with some more "female leaning" adjustments in the future.


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scoutydouty
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2 mo. ago
·
edited 2 mo. ago
Wholesome
Hm, let's hope this one doesn't get deleted like past similar threads.

I was born as a female. My bio mom was a drug addict and all her children have been taken away and sent to foster homes, most of us ended up with some sort of inherited b.s. In my case, I seem to have a predisposition to mental health issues like depression and ADHD.

I was adopted out with my younger bio sister at age 3. My parents were older, in their 40s and 50s when we were adopted, and had rather antiquated views on gender roles and society in general. They ended up being abusive when my symptoms progressed in puberty, so I didn't really have a good support system at home.

But I did have friends, and a lot of these friends ended up being queer in one way or another. I always knew I was bisexual before I had the term to describe it, and I strongly disliked the female roles forced upon me growing up. Berated for body hair, encouraged to be feminine, told to focus on my appearance and all that shit.

Add in a nice mixture of body dysmorphia, disordered eating habits born from an ingrained fear of fatness, the general malaise of experiencing puberty, sexual assault, misogyny, and then the big rise of the internet/social media around 2011... The introduction of the concept of trans clicked snugly into my mind like a Tetris block.

I hated my body, my life, I was constantly suicidal as a teen and wished I could be anybody else. How could transitioning not look like the answer to all my problems? I wouldn't be treated like a dreaded girl anymore, no more horrible periods, no more sexism and harassment, no more struggling to attain an unobtainable beauty standard-, it seemed like all my problems were solely based on me being a girl. And I thought being a man would solve everything.

I did have dysphoria. And I did fully believe I was trans. I bound my chest every day for 5 years, I took testosterone for a little less than 3 years. I had a voice that was suddenly respected more, I had a community that waged war on anyone who hurt my feelings, I had constant validation and love when it felt like I never had those things before.

And then one day, I took LSD. I know, not the direction you thought this was gonna go. Bear with me.

LSD took my repressed doubts I had been stuffing down behind "the rate of trans people with regret is so negligable that there is almost a 0% chance you made a mistake" and thrust them to the surface of my mind when I was looking into a mirror. I suddenly realized I did not recognize the person I saw, and not because I was tripping sack. The beard, the thinning hair, the difference in the shape of my body. I even said my new name a few times and realized... This isn't me.

It's hard to describe that feeling within the limitations of language. It was a mixture of terror, regret, fury, and strangely- relief. It was like "Oh. You're you. You've always been you. Even now, you're you, but not quite." This feeling did not go away when the drug wore off.

For me, I discovered that I personally used transition as a way to escape the unbearable discomfort in my life, in my body, in my mind. It was a trauma coping mechanism. And when it obviously failed, the logical conclusion was to detransition. And this was so unheard of, so rare, I felt so lost. I didn't know where to go or what to do. How do you face something like this? I was told it never happened.

But it was happening to me and apparently thousands of others in r/detrans. In that community I was challenged, encouraged, supported, and validated in a million different ways. It was refreshing. I had been hounded with a single track view for years by trans people, one such view including that questioning being trans probably means you're trans, but questioning transition as a mistake was internalized transphobia and anxiety.

In the detrans subreddit, I was encouraged to look at things from a variety of perspectives, not just one. Disagreements were mostly respectful and didn't include brigading, shaming, holier-than-thou lectures or bans. It has been an invaluable resource for me and many others to discuss this topic, and I sincerely hope this resource does not get wiped off the face of Reddit.

I do believe transition is valid and the only way for some people. I respect trans people and their rights. But I also believe I was failed by therapists and psychiatrists for never exploring the underlying reasons behind my transition, and I resent that it took a spiritual experience with a psychedelic to figure that out for myself.

This is long even though it is but a brief glimpse into the 23 years that led me here. Thanks if you read this far. Feel free to read some of my post history for more details.


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mumpledforearm
·
2 mo. ago
one such view including that questioning being trans probably means you're trans

It is so sad to see this happening all the time on reddit.


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julesjade99
·
2 mo. ago
was groomed by my partner who was telling people behind me back he was gay. he pushed me into thinking i should transition to male, first it was just teasing me about secretly being a dude as soon as i admitted to liking something unfeminine and it just got worse from there. turns out it wasn’t being supportive it was him wanting me to be his perfect little fuck toy


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Dkoron
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2 mo. ago
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Honestly didn't realize the mental health struggles lgbt community endures before reading through some of these replies, you're valued good luck y'all.


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JupiterChan
·
2 mo. ago
Being trans in my home country almost always meant working as a sex worker, hairstylist or comedian. They're treated as lesser humans that had nothing much to offer society. I'm glad things are improving now, but life is still extremely unfair if you're a trans.


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Nut_Cutlet
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2 mo. ago
I found out I was autistic and got trauma therapy for an assault.. I had been out as FTM for 3 years. I've always been an androgynous person but after I was assaulted by someone who wished to 'correct' my androgyny via sexual assault, I wanted to get rid of my female body and become a man so I could one day crush his skull in. I legitimately wanted to murder him, to the point I would day dream about it. It took a long time for me to be honest with myself about my reasoning.

I think I started to question myself more after a trip on LSD that completely blew away everything I knew about the world, and then rebuilt me from the madness. It was like a rebirth. By that time I was already doubting my ability to transition successfully and had begun socially de-transitioning, but the autism diagnosis that happened following really was the final nail in the coffin. It explained so much about my thought patterns, my childhood, and even the assault.


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ToastNoodles
·
2 mo. ago
·
edited 2 mo. ago
I've basically involuntarily detransed at this point. My mental health hit such a decline that my transition was always the last thing on my mind. I was overwhelmed, I started forgetting to be regular with meds. I'm under private care so it was my duty to stay on top of it all and I couldn't. My hormone levels were messed up for years and still are because they couldn't get my tests right. Nobody here cares about trans health care so you have to be very self driven and push hard to get treatment but I lost my drive in life, so it all fell apart.

All of the changes I did with hormones, laser and other regular treatment have been undone, and now I'm too crippled to stop it all, so I've just resigned to my fate. It made me temporarily happier I guess but now it hurts too much to think about, so I try not to. If I dwell on it I won't be able to function in life, so I try to find happiness elsewhere. In the end it didn't matter, I didn't pass anyway, which is incredibly important and goes a long way to being recognized and treated like a normal human being as a trans person.


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throwaway4u2021
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2 mo. ago
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edited 2 mo. ago
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I am not trans but I have known someone who was AMAB. Transitioned socially in terms of gender expression and began the process of accessing therapy to be allowed hormones. They got a year in, and decided they were non binary rather than a trans woman. That process was really important and highlighted that when we do away with binary gender, far more people would find a place for themselves as they are.

Edit: the fact this post has garnered so much anger is really interesting. Why are people so threatened by gender differences or challenges to this as a norm? What difference does it actually make to your life?


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j-skaa
·
2 mo. ago
I think thinking less in binary terms would help so many people - even those who do identify as either gender. I’ve never questioned my gender, but I also never quite felt like I fit in with the more feminine women. I sometimes dress up and enjoy feeling feminine, but mostly I’m just more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt with sneakers. I don’t wear make-up either and don’t have very feminine hobbies. And I do sometimes feel pressure to be more feminine, an insecurity that guys might not find me attractive when I’m myself. And I’m pretty sure that insecurity stems from how society defines the gender roles. I don’t want to be a man, I’m not non-binary, but I don’t like the expectations that come with gender roles. People should feel free to do what they like, regardless of gender :)


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spookyscaryskeletal
·
2 mo. ago
it's just a longer journey for some people.


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FiddlerKillerOfKings
·
2 mo. ago
I’m trans and the thought of detransitioning scares me but I’m glad that you guys figured out who you were!


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s-m-r-s
·
2 mo. ago
I just wanna pop in to say thank you to everyone sharing so honestly. This isn’t talked about enough and I think it’s so important, especially for young people to see.


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LogicKennedy
·
2 mo. ago
Yeah reading through this I'm genuinely positively surprised at how good the discussions are.


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Menace2Sobriety
·
2 mo. ago
Agreed. There's some seriously brave people in here sharing their experiences.


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Balance2BBetter
·
2 mo. ago
Take My Energy
This will be an unpopular, but I want to be honest.

I was mtf, 21 years old, and was on HRT for a few weeks. Before that, I had spent several months agonizing over the decision to transition. I had always understood myself to be female without realizing it, and simply imagining myself as a “man” made me uncomfortable. I had bought makeup, some feminine clothes, picked out a new name, and had made plans for years to come.

However, all of this was behind my family’s back. I was so scared of them that I wrote a will in case because it was very likely that I’d be excommunicated, and I don’t have the resources or survival skills to survive if suddenly on my own.

Well, eventually my mom figured it out. She sat me down and confronted me about it for a long time until I finally revealed what I’d been doing. She cried and felt as though I had died. It was one of the worst experiences she’d ever had. I surrendered my HRT to her.

Now, I could have just called the doctor and gotten more. The process would have been delayed by a few months so no big deal.

But, I had a lot of opportunity to really think after she found out. I realized that I was in over my head. I had a very deep voice, and if you don’t know, voice training for trans women is really hard. I had been a baritone since freshman year of high school, and it was unlikely that I would ever pass in that regard. I also just don’t think my face would pass either. Not to mention, I’d been growing out my hair (part of what clued my mom in) and I realized that I had literally no idea how to take care of my hair or basically myself at all. Despite what is often said in trans subreddits and other forums, passing really does matter to some of us. Even if it shouldn’t, I can’t shake the need to pass.

I also realized that I wasn’t confident enough to regularly present as female. I couldn’t even bring myself to ask anyone to use my new name, let alone wear feminine clothes and makeup in public.

Finally, I came to terms with the fact that I would be completely abandoned and forever antagonized by my family, if not worse. This is especially an issue because I was, and still am, partially financially dependent on them.

So, if I had transitioned, I would have lost my family, finances, and possibly my life, all so I wouldn’t even pass and would ultimately spend the rest of my life agonizing over my appearance. From a cost-benefit perspective, it just didn’t make sense to continue.

I’m 24 now and have been thinking about it again. In reality, I don’t know if I’m really trans at all, or if I just hated my life and myself and was looking for a way to reinvent myself (which seems to be a common theme in the answers here). Either way, I’m still exploring myself and trying to figure out what and who I am. But this time, I’m trying to take the pressure off and be as authentic as possible.


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Shiny_Mega_Rayquaza
·
2 mo. ago
I just wanted to thank everyone on here for opening up about their most personal experiences, and thank Reddit for even allowing this thread to stay up. Such a topic would be taboo just a year ago. Peace


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Orodreath
·
2 mo. ago
Thank you for you positivity, it's most welcome, cheers


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Hot_Pomegranate1773
·
2 mo. ago
I am trans but I detransitioned for a period of time.

I came out when I was 12 and lived as a boy until I was 15. All throughout this time I was bullied, humiliated, recorded in locker rooms, and harassed by other kids for being trans. I thought “if I have to endure one more year of this I’m going to kill myself.” So when I started high school I decided to try to live as a female.

My freshmen year of high school was spent as a girl. Over that time I developed an eating disorder and sever depression. I was able to repress the dysphoria but something still felt wrong.

During this time I met my best friend. He is a trans guy and he wasn’t bullied. He had friends and was well liked. I realized it was possible to be happy and not get harassed for the pursuit of that happiness. I could live authentically and not be bullied for it.

I’m now retransitioned and I’m happier. My quality of life has improved greatly. I’m no longer depressed or have an eating disorder. My feelings of dysphoria got worse but I am on HRT and it’s getting better.

TLDR; detransed because of bullying retransed because I realized I wouldn’t get bullied.


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No_Bite_5874
·
2 mo. ago
I was sexually objectified as a young girl by older men, kids, boys my age and teenagers. While I was never assaulted, this objectification and the fact girls hated me when I was younger (apparently this was because I developed breasts early, I hit puberty and periods at 9), I felt hate towards my maturing female body. For a long time I cut my hair short, bound my chest, and pretended to be a boy whenever I left the house. I was desperate to like girls instead of boys as boys/men had given me so much grief (I'm 11 at this point in the story). My own sensei at my dojo propositioning me was enough to tip me over the edge as he was my father figure. When I was 11 it was 2005, being trans wasn't widely talked about but I know that if it had been and if transitioning had been an option for me that I knew about I most definitely would have started. The issue with this, is that when I was 15 I started to grow my hair out, forget (but never forgive) the men of my past and love my feminine body. I couldn't force myself to like women, and there was a desire deep down in me to be loved by someone masculine in a way that makes me feel more feminine. I had so many psychological issues back then that had me convinced I was a gay man stuck in a woman's body, or that I was meant to be male - but in reality I was just a young person overcome with trauma to do with my gender and sexuality. I'm glad I never transitioned, that I stopped wearing binders and was true to myself. If I had started hormone transitioning I believe I would have created more unhappiness within myself, because the real me is a feminine straight woman. To my younger self who was convinced she had to be a lesbian, or that she had to be a boy - I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were treated in ways that led you to feeling this way, but it gets better ❤️ Sometimes we are confused, sometimes we know ourselves. I know I never de-transitioned but I thought this would be an interesting perspective.


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pinkyandthegame666
·
2 mo. ago
in my early 20s i bought estrogen and spiro off the internet a couple times. it was about that time i was also diagnosed with schizoid/bipolar something or another. lots of delusions. really sucked. the longest period i took the (very high dose of) hormones was about 2 months. i stopped for some reason or another. didn't feel right. now im 32 and i've got man boobs that i'm ashamed of and my schizoid delusions are still there, i just manage them better by not going anywhere. havn't drank or done any drugs in over 5 years. i'd say im still miserable. maybe if i had a way to be independent without being so crazy back then, things would be different now. the last time i went to the beach a couple years ago, these people wanted to take a picture with me for some reason. probably because "haha look at that skinny guy with moobs!". i don't go to the beach anymore. maybe i owe more of the cause of my problems to drugs and alcohol, but being clean this long and still being usually miserable and a hermit is frustrating. i've got my artwork and songwriting and video games to keep me company at least, and my family loves me, but they mostly don't know about this problem. all in all i'm okay these days with my medication and hobbies, but with no relationship (girl or guy) in years, lots of regrets and useless thoughts. so to be blunt, if ur crossdress in secret and are prone to mental illness, don't take hormones bought from the internet or you'll never get to drink beer with your friends at the beach again.


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Cave_Woman_
·
2 mo. ago
Thank you for asking the question, and thank you to those who answered. Great insight


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[deleted]
·
2 mo. ago
The discourse around this topic tends to decline into nastiness pretty quickly, but people should be aware that the science & research used to support certain positions is far from settled. The whole of medical and psychiatric research suffers from something known as the replication crisis, but this issue in particular has problems with shoddy research. I think it’s due to how highly politicized it’s become. The truth is that we don’t really know a hell of a lot about gender dysphoria especially in regards to adolescents, yet people make extremely confident claims as if the science is as settled as the theory of gravity.


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flinch85
·
2 mo. ago
Some sanity.


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HummingbirdHawkMothx
·
2 mo. ago
I began my social transition at 14 (2011) among my peers. Noone was really surprised, I always was more with the boys as a child, I hated pink, no interest in make up.

I was called an ugly fat giant a lot in school for being a tall girl with broader shoulders. I got bullied, punched, kicked and worse. I honestly thought I wasn't meant to be a girl because I was so bad at it. Today I know I never was ugly and I wished I could tell child and teen me, that it is okay to be yourself.

With 17 I started T and I think it saved my life. I turned into a handsome boy and it brought me much joy. And I honestly don't regret it. I hate my facial hair but in the grand picture, transitioning helped me do much with building confidence and finding myself. 3 years on T, I started to realize that something wasn't right. I felt restricted by being a boy. And I finally allowed myself to look into my feminine side. Over time I realized T wasn't needed anymore. So I stopped.

I identify as non binary now and I feel like I am finally free to be me. I might haven't figured it all out yet but I am proud of how far I have come.

I think even without everything I still would been non binary but I don't know what exactly made me push towards strict boyhood. If it was the bullying, wanting to belong. Or if it was SA I experienced as a child. It's very muddled. There's a lot of trauma. And I still need to have the guts to talk to my therapist about it. She only wants to talk about trans issues with me and it sucks so much.


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SlickWilIyCougar
·
2 mo. ago
Get a new therapist asap. They shouldn’t be trying to force your discussions. If you have underlying trauma to resolve that takes priority for you to heal. Best wishes for your journey.


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clarissaswallowsall
·
2 mo. ago
I was very close with a friend through her transition, she grew up like me and had experiences that made being female feel too vulnerable and her body feel like it was drawing in attention but not respect. when it came to being in the trans community she felt out of place, she didn't think she wanted to be the kind of man they were all trying to look like. She wasn't the type to care about others opinions like that, she went on T and started looking like a guy and sounding like one so fast..it didn't freak her out and she didn't feel like she was still depressed or anything..the T had some painful side effects for her though and it got unbearable. She stopped and de transitioned and is kind of open that it was important to explore that masculine side of herself but she didn't want to be that. Now gender is being considered more of a spectrum but when I see her she seems happy to just do her own thing..I think she feels more respected since her life had changed a bit more too and the people around her see her as the amazing and capable person she is and not just a sex object.


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sarahmarinara
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2 mo. ago
This will get buried but just want to cheer for the stories of self discovery journeys that you’ve all been on. Keep going and keep growing.


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Pseudonymico
·
2 mo. ago
Gold
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I convinced myself I wasn’t trans from a mixture of not wanting to put up with all the bullshit and misinformation about how effective transitioning could be. About a decade later I finally came out and finally started medically transitioning when the dysphoria got too bad for me to live in denial any more.

It’s worth keeping in mind that the majority of people who detransition do so for similar reasons, and a lot of trans people over the age of 35 are retransitioners, who started over when dysphoria got too bad and/or they ended up in a better position to deal with potentially losing friends and family - they’re even the majority of the trans people I know over that age.


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noorofmyeye24
·
2 mo. ago
·
edited 2 mo. ago
May I ask what it feels like to have that dysphoria and how do you know your trans? What thoughts do you have?

I’m sorry if these are really stupid/offensive questions. Not negatively questioning your experience to make you doubt yourself. I’m just trying to better understand. I feel like there isn’t information out there that’s helpful in understanding the trans community.

Edit: I want to thank every one who answered my questions! It gave me a better insight into the trans experience but I know that there’s so much more to learn. Keep voicing your stories :)


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ianbat
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2 mo. ago
i don't know if this counts, but i came out to my family as ftm early last year and slowly began transitioning, the only reason i detransitioned is because i just felt that i wasnt ready. i currently identify as agender and i feel that this is the closest to how i feel


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SweetDick_Willy
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2 mo. ago
I don't know the correct terms. But as a straight non-trans male, this thread is fascinating as fuck. I didn't even know this was a thing.


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ahtomix
·
2 mo. ago
I was in an abusive relationship. I had also been sexually assaulted multiple times. When I left him, I fell into a severe depression and I felt so much shame. Enough shame that I couldn’t bear to have anyone see I was a woman. I truly believed that I wasn’t a woman because of how wrong it felt to me. I met other trans people, developed great bonds with them and it felt right. I had to move away and once I was in my own, away from the town where all those bad things happened, I started to rebuild. Now, I love being a woman. I am proud of how strong I have become and don’t let anyone think I’m weak because I’m a woman.

I am also in a relationship with an actual trans person and I know my experience is not representative of what trans people feel. Their feelings are very different than what I felt and I support them 100%. For her, presenting as a woman is to be who she is. For me, presenting as a man was to hide myself.


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possiblynewme
·
2 mo. ago
I socially transitioned among my friends irl and online, I did some things, fully committed to it. But my whole family hated me for it, so I just stopped being trans. I never think I actually stopped more just went in to a deep state of denial. Please find people who love you, and stay safe, don’t ruin yourself for the sake of others.


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Zantra3000
·
2 mo. ago
A lot of people think that surgery will make them happy, and a lot of the time it actually makes it way worse. Especially for the people that don't pass as the gender that they are transitioning to. My friend went from being a cisgender man that was into women, to a transgender woman that was only into men. And, she had the full surgery and hormones and everything, but still was constantly clocked as a dude. So, she killed herself last year. She thought that surgery would make her feel like a woman, and instead it made her feel like a freak. And, society isn't very kind to transpeople in general, but especially not in the area that she was living in.


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the_owl_syndicate
·
2 mo. ago
Because it's about me, not others. I don't give a damn how other people see me, because I know who I am and I'm okay with that. I wear what I want, do what I want and go where I want, with the confidence to laugh when people try to put a narrow box around me.

Live free, y'all. I see your journey, I've walked your path. Good luck and following seas.


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pertante
·
2 mo. ago
Had a former roommate that started transitioning ftm. Had challenges finding medical professionals to help, I believe partially because of the costs/health insurance they had. Went as far as getting their breasts reduced and tried taking testosterone. I think he had to stop taking it since it was so exhausting taking it. Not sure if he transitioned back since we lost touch but hope they are doing ok regardless.


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GirlGodd
·
2 mo. ago
The negative comments and people trying to intimidate and discourage people from sharing their story is fucking insane. What are you afraid of? The culture of silence and sweeping differing experiences under rug is fucked up.


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dessert-er
·
2 mo. ago
ITT: Rigid gender roles are bad, let people do whatever the fuck they want, support everyone to make their own choices and don’t be a dick. This all fits with my experience as someone who has felt a little all over the map with their gender experiences and I think I’ve finally settled in with being ok being somewhere in the middle. I consider myself nonbinary and honestly I think that label just gives me the permission I need to dress androgynously, wear makeup, not have expectations for myself to act a certain way, and do whatever I need to to feel comfortable. I do get dysphoria for my secondary sex characteristics (the way my body carries fat, body and facial hair, etc) and this label also helps me feel able to cope with those uncomfortable feelings in the way I see fit. Just let people do what they want.


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ConfidentAd9164
·
2 mo. ago
I am Trans, i have not detransitioned and honestly dont plan too, so i cant be much help, however i did want to say No question is a stupid question and any Trans people harassing yall for just being curious is a piece of shit. When people talk about gender constructs i dont get all huffy cause im secure in my choice and am happy with myself when i look in the mirror. Ses like those Trans individuals are insecure and not 100 percent confident with the choice they made. People usually lash out when they feel attacked so. Keep being curious keep asking questions. KNOWLEDE IS POWER.


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jjw410
·
2 mo. ago
I just want to say thank you for this open response. I grew up in a pretty working/lower-middle class background and do not know anyone who fits into LGBT+ space apart from gay folk growing up, so trans topics really are just another world away from me. My gf grew up in a waaaay more affluent and liberal place, and is in the arts so knows lots of people who are trans. But everytime I bring up questions she seems to think I'm asking questions that I should alreday know the answer to and often it just feels like I'm being treated as some bigot when truthfully I'm just trying to politely understand a group of people that I've naturally never had any interaction with.

So thank you for your reassurance, knowledge is indeed power! :)


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Toesmasher
·
2 mo. ago
Don't worry about stuff like this. While exceptions of course exist, I'm pretty sure most people view trans people as folks who have been dealt a raw hand and are doing what they can to live their lives as well as they can. While I can't say I've known many, the trans people I have interacted with were generally chill people.

I'd wage money that the hostile people here are predominantly of the insufferable trans-'allies' and activist ilk, who simultaneously somehow tend to view trans people as impossibly fragile.


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2 mo. ago

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mtjoshington
·
2 mo. ago
it’s so interesting reading about all the ppl who started HRT and then realized they needed to detransition!

i had to stop hrt after 4 years bc I aged off my moms insurance and it’s been truly terrible! I’ve been off t for a year and a half now and have gained a bunch of weight and gotten incredibly incredibly depressed and anxious and dysphoric again, just like I was before I started testosterone. it seems like the line between people seeing me as who I am and people guessing that I’m butch because they can’t tell is drawn by me taking hrt.

Since I’ve stopped testosterone, I’ve been questioning my identity because people can’t tell what i am anymore and if gender is a social construct then aren’t I whatever other people think I am? Reading peoples experiences detransitioning really made me realize that Yes I am still trans and a man, I am just not receiving treatment anymore, I’m not feeling this way again because I am trying to force myself to be something I’m not. I feel this way because once again I am someone that my body doesn’t have the chemicals to be. hrt really is a medicine to treat being trans. if u aren’t trans it probably isn’t going to make you feel better to have different gender hormones in ur head

I think being trans means that you will always experience doubt that you are what you really are, and even if you aren’t trans anymore you probably still recognize gender that way.


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AM_Kylearan
·
2 mo. ago
From reading this, I think we can all agree that mental health treatment in this country is a travesty, and we do a terrible job treating it and supporting those that need treatment to get it.

Mental health issues should be de-stigmatized and we would all benefit from supporting those suffering from these issues.


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[deleted]
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2 mo. ago
An ex’s dad transitioned while we were dating. And after about 10 months he transitioned back. He said that living as a woman wasn’t what he thought it would be.


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immacastguidingbolt
·
2 mo. ago
I don’t consider myself “detransitioned” in any way, I still identify as transgender, but I feel my story may be helpful nonetheless.

When I was 11-12 I found a video called “I Am Jazz” and everything just seemed to click. Like I found a solution for all the problems in my life and being a man would be It. I used middle school to transition and cut my hair, bought boy’s clothes, and even got measured for a binder. Everyone knew me as that boy who ALWAYS wore a jacket (to hide his chest) and was super tiny.

Dealing with socially transitioning and puberty was really hard. I had to use teacher’s bathrooms while changing out pads because I’d definitely be questioned if I had menstrual products in the boys room. Plus, my hormones were crazy and there was a pressure by my other trans classmates to hop on puberty blockers and testosterone ASAP. And binding + thick jackets during hot summer days was a toll.

And my elementary school counselors who interrogated me on why I wanted to transition only made me dig my heels in more. They kept saying: “You can still be a girl and wear pants! You can still be a girl and do this—“ and I’d be like, “No, you don’t get it. I don’t want to be a girl at all.” But the pressure from my peers to get on T and top surgery was rubbing me the wrong way. I wasn’t really comfortable with changing my body like that yet but the pressure was on.

Eventually, freshman year I started experimenting with longer hair and they/them pronouns. I realized I was more comfortable being non-binary, and opting out of the stupid gender roles society creates anyway. I didn’t want any part in the pressure I experienced earlier, and I felt a sense of satisfaction knowing I got to experience two lives: one as a girl, and one as a boy.

In reality, I think I used transitioning to a man as a shield for the SA I faced as a child. I honestly thought that if I was a man, I would never be sexually assaulted again. But the people who SA’d just saw me as a sex object even though I was A LITERAL CHILD! Also I come from a traditional culture, and the whole sexism baggage was something I wanted to run away from. Realizing that there was, and is nothing I can do to change that made me really reflect on my own gender identity and discover that I am happier as a non-binary person, free from the constraints of gender.

I can never be a girl or a boy again, even if society forces the baggage of womanhood onto me because of what I was assigned at birth. I don’t regret transitioning for a second, and not rushing headfirst into hormone treatment and surgery made me experience my life the way I needed to experience it.


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TransKeyboardist
·
2 mo. ago
·
edited 2 mo. ago
This thread makes it seem like de-transitioning is commonplace, but in reality, it's very unlikely.

"0.4 [%] ... detransitioned after realizing transitioning wasn’t right for them. " source

So, roughly, 1 in every 250 trans people.
Also, while I do not wish to dismiss or invalidate anyones story, the validity of the anecdotal de-transitioning comments can not be verified.

edits: stat, concision, formatting, addendum.


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babyCrossdresser
·
2 mo. ago
I thought I was trans from an extremely young age because I thought if I wanted to act like a girl in any way shape or form, I needed to be one. You can thank my family for that. I realized extremely quickly that I could be a boy and effeminate, that they weren’t tied to one gender, and got over it. I also never hated my body or genitalia. I think a lot of the people here detransitioned because they found this out unfortunately way later on in life.


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fayefaye666
·
2 mo. ago
Why is this tagged as nsfw? Lol


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RWBrYan
·
2 mo. ago
sorts by controversial


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saschahi
·
2 mo. ago
don't forget your hazmat suit. We're scraping the bottom of the barrel here.


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