The Hilarious Adventures of a Trans Regretter Parent: A Toothache, Imaginary Lists, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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A lesbian, a mother, a trans regretter, a writer, a survivor of gender medicine, an occasional HERO, and a determined crusader to prevent childhood medical transition. Scott's Bio - Now accepting Podcasts, Speaking Events & Interviews

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By, Trans man Regretter Scott Newgent

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A toothache and an illness struck my sixteen-year-old son hard. To ensure he was taking his meds and Tylenol, I called him downstairs. Please take these Tylenol, my son, and come over here so I can rub your shoulders and watch a movie with you.

After taking the Tylenol, he went back upstairs. "Hey, come over here so I can rub your shoulders and we can watch whatever movie you want, son," there was no reaction, just the sound of him walking back upstairs.

"Dammit son, where are you going, movies shoulder rub?" I yelled.

"NO! Massaging my shoulders will not help my toothache. I'm not a ten-year-old anymore; I have strategic thought processing skills. The "You bet, Justice, I'm going to put that toy on your list!" thing didn't involve a toy inventory, as far as I'm aware. The fist pumps to Julia, 'I have it on the list,' are over!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Ninja Turtles are on their way, in buckets almost here son the list is delivering!" Meanwhile, I heard his twin, Julia, burst out laughing, "OMG, I'm peeing. That's classic Justice."

I walked upstairs, giggling, and the door shut in my face. I turned to my daughter's door, and two steps later, her door slammed in my face as well!

As I mosed on downstairs, I thought this is a fantastic moment for a life lesson and began in a voice loud enough for my twins to hear my voice traveling up the stairs as I walked down.

"Kids it's tuff, I get it feeling physically ill is not easy but slamming the doors in my face, although funny is not the response to flourish, learning how to voice you frustration is better received with calm…….."

My son's door flung open, and a pillow was thrown at me; he yelled, "It's too much!" The pain in my teeth is too severe for a lesson, please!"

"Oh, it hurts pretty bad son. I could rub your shoulder OR execute a street fight double leap, then kick you on the other side of your face to relieve the pain!"

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"Yeah, right!" my son said back.

"Son, I'm telling you; I identify as a ninja... watch out." I heard my son run towards me and down the stairs, and my hands immediately like Tom Cruise's as I began to dart into the wind at mimic speed, screaming in the highest pitch imaginable, "I'm a woman, son, you can't tackle women!" He caught me right quickly, and while the entire family shouted with laughter, my son remarked, "I'm putting you on nigh night hold!"

He was on the ground, releasing his pretend choke hold. I said, "I let you win son to keep your ego in check!"

My son nodded, "Okay, Ma/Pa!" Suddenly, there was a cackling of teenage girls giggling on a facetime call.

"Oh my god, I'm peeing now too Julia," one of my daughter's friends remarked over FaceTime, and then I overheard a chorus of girls laughing. "OMG, me too, that's funnier than shit..."

As I regain my calm, I reprise the parental warning after being taken down to size: "Hey, girls, watch your fucking language."

"Ok, son what movie do you want to watch ninja turtles?"

My kid accepts my suggestion, and the night continues. . .

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