The road to medical transition had plenty of warning signs. Each time the doubt arose, I reached out to professionals to help me figure out what would be best for my life. As I look back, I realize their influence over my journey, and I recognize the power these two therapists not just held but still hold over my life because medical transition? It's not reversible; the decision to transition medically cannot be undone.
When I think of these conversations now, my blood boils because I recognize that if these conversations went differently? I might have made the right decision, the decision not to medically transition. I realize now that not transitioning was the right choice, yet I live the wrong decision. The bad decision and the responsibility of these therapists? It feels criminal like they need to be held accountable for what they pushed. I realize that will never happen. But what I can do? I can walk you through how to make a different decision if you are in the quandary I was.
I listen with an open heart, piercing tongue, and take my words and SCREAM Louder with all my love.
Video Is Best To Watch. Talk Track Below
So, I've been reading about Post Traumatic Stress Disorders (PTSD) and post-traumatic stress syndrome. It's common for people who suffer from these conditions to have fantasies about confronting the people most involved in engendering (pun-intended) them, who lead them to an experience so traumatic that it triggers us to duck and hide. And let's face it. PTSD is ducking and hiding intermittently, coming out of our caves to either tell someone to "Fuck Off" or crying uncontrollably in the produce section because the tomatoes are all green. It is an either-or. If you know me, you will know that my PTSD manifests in overripe tomatoes in produce and a feisty "Fuck Off."
Children who believe they are transgender usually have comorbidity: homosexual; mental illness, mental gifts; or autism. They may feel odd fitting in society (alpha female; "sissy" boy), physically abused as children, sexually abused as children or adults, and experiencing traumatic events. Have you noticed that "skipping through the daisies" types of people are usually not included with these categories? Now, as an adult, knowing this information...Not just knowing this information but living all, the difference, the medical transition, everything. Well, throw out one or two of the comorbidities, and there I am as always...an overachiever! Whoop Whoop, game set match "Newgent!"
When you are classified in one or more of these oddities, you are more susceptible to accepting that something is wrong with you and needs fixing. When you tell someone like this, "All the things that never fit with you in your life? They can all be gone, gone, you will fit in, and you will be able to "skip with the daisies" like all the others, who not only skip with the daisies," but dance laughing on thorn free roses! Of course, no one laughs through life, but when you have a forehead sticker that says, "I'm different," it places you on the outside, and you spend your time trying to convince people that you are not different; you are the same, see; now look at me. "This is normal, right? No? Fucked up again! I'll keep trying...What about this? Did I do that right? No? Awww Fuck!"
Most people come to grips with this and get on with life, and I bet I would too if I didn't see my children's faces every day and see what our society is throwing at them and how many parents don't understand what is happening. I return to the time when I was convinced that medical transition was the answer; I was born in the wrong body, I was meant to be a boy...that was the cure, and all the cheerleaders, and how easily I was convinced of this.
A 40-year-old ballbusting business sales executive was reduced to a child, believing in this bullshit without the help of the internet or a cackle of friends roaring and cheering me on down the school halls. Seriously, you are nuts if you don't think I haven't looked into the mirror saying, "What a fucking idiot you are." Then one of my kids drops a plate in the other room, and I start hyperventilating and shaking <---another wonder or PTSD...That and jumping behind my couch when my dog suddenly barks and scares me...Haha, my kids laugh, and I join them..Making light and a joke but again returning to the mirror, "What is fucking wrong with you!"
Did you ever lie curled up in a ball because a truck driving by didn't have a muffler, and it sounded like a helicopter; instantly you couldn't breathe, thinking you were having another pulmonary embolism, and you know deep down you can breathe; it's just the PTSD, and you're sitting there alone, refusing to scream curled up in a corner, because you don't want to scare your kids...Yeah, I'm a parent, and I know you would do the same for your kids.
So understanding this from all aspects––and believe me, this has been a long road, and I hadn't read all the studies and talked to hundreds of people and if...IF the success rate superseded the carnage even by 51%, I would not scream so loud because if it helped 51% belong, we could figure out how to raise that to 90-95% with education...I would be on it, trust me. But knowing all of this and knowing that most and I mean most people who medically transition? Within seven to ten years, they realize that the devastating carnage has fixed nothing. All that's left is destroyed.
All it means for the medical profession is numbers. Each child convinced they are trans equals 1.3 in a lifetime for pharmaceutical companies, not including puberty blockers, $54,555 per per per child, surgeries, top averaging $8,000; bottom $70,000-$267,000, with a 67 percent complication rate, and these numbers don't include nowhere near all the complications from what all these mutilations that pass for "medicine" do to these kids' health. The 19-year-olds with the size hearts and lungs of 12-year-olds, sterile, with early-onset osteoporosis.
Well, I have a choice then, right?
Tell the local mailman to fuck off daily or direct my anger at those who deserve it! So, allow me to redirect with a fascination I have recently begun. I've suddenly developed a fascination about what response I would give to the two therapists who not just encouraged but pushed me down the road to medical transition. Some days I catch myself daydreaming about how I would respond today. Some days I'll chuckle with the reaction bobbing around in my head. Some days I feel the fury smouldering inside, and I release it by knocking a piece of furniture over, cursing to no one listening. I've combined both types of responses into one and settled on exactly how I would respond.
Lord knows I will never get the chance, but I wonder how these two therapists would take my new responses? If they knew that what they were pushing for would result in my life being cut short, knowing my kids would not have me for the period parents are supposed to be here. Knowing the health issues I still face and will face for life, would their response change? Their encouragement initiated a long line of suffering from generation to generation for many connected to me, not just me.
I wish I were able to go back to each pivotal point and react differently. If I could, here is what I would say to the therapists pushing me to transition medically.
The first therapist (A Trans Woman) asked me,
"So, how long have you been dressing in male clothing?"
My initial response was silence with the realization that she was right; I was born in the wrong body. I instantly became embarrassed for missing something that seemed so apparent to her. My response now, after the journey I have taken.....or shall I say...endured.
Today, this is how I would respond:
"How dare you say something like that to someone who is gender-confused, projecting the idea that clothing magically makes someone male or female. As a trans woman, how dare you use your position as a therapist to justify your decision to have plastic surgery to create an illusion of a woman. Your desire and the key here is your desire to keep your delusion close forces people at vulnerable times in their lives to deal with your issues. How dare you!
I do not have male clothes on; I have heels, lipstick, earrings, eyeliner, and a silk blouse with female slacks to a female business suit. Yes, I am a female business sales executive. Does that make me even more male that I dominate every man that ever tried to sustain my numbers? So tell me what precisely out of all the female attire I described makes me a biological male and proves I was born in the wrong body? Because from where I'm sitting? We need to change seats because you, yes, you "Big Boy", you are the one that needs serious help."
The second therapist responded to my concern and apprehension about going through the phalloplasty, the transman bottom surgery.
"Scott, why wait? What's the difference in a month or two? You are correcting an error in your gender, and it's so brave you could be such an inspiration to younger trans."
Today I would say,
"An inspiration because I will be enduring an entirely cosmetic surgery that is experimental at best and has a 67% complications rate. I am an inspiration because I am brave enough to allow a surgeon who is banned from surgery in California to experiment on me with nine medical malpractice cases. It is an inspiration for not taking an extra year to understand this surgery and the absolute carnage it renders on every person who completes it. An inspiration?
You out of line with that comment, and another thing? I don't give a rat's ass if I am an attractive man and someone you would be interested in if you met me on the street? That comment was out of line too, and someday soon? Therapists like you? The carnage will catch up with you.
But you are right on one thing, lady, and that is...I will inspire someday, inspiring people to prevent therapists like you from being anywhere near vulnerable people!
Send me your bill...Also, consider another line of work; you suck at this!"
Drop the mic...Now, Parents, it's your turn to SCREAM for your children; they need you, we, us to adult better and SCREAM....Louder!